Gareth and the Lost Island - A Fantasy Adventure Comedy Audio Drama Series
Gareth and the Lost Island
Episode 1 - The Spirits Merchant
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,032
[VDM Logo music] Quack-Quack-Hiss
2
00:00:08,032 --> 00:00:14,798
NARRATOR: Venomous Duck Media Presents:
Gareth and the Lost Island
3
00:00:14,798 --> 00:00:16,464
Disclaimer:
4
00:00:16,464 --> 00:00:23,829
This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks,
5
00:00:23,829 --> 00:00:29,195
drinking, consuming questionable potions, brief moments of violence,
6
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,461
crude language, and even cruder humor.
7
00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:40,293
Please use caution when listening in public, as this story may cause audible laughter.
8
00:00:40,293 --> 00:00:47,624
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for any strained abdominal muscles you may receive while listening,
9
00:00:47,624 --> 00:00:50,924
or the strange looks you might get from other commuters.
10
00:00:50,924 --> 00:00:56,223
If laughter persists for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.
11
00:00:56,223 --> 00:01:03,955
NARRATOR: Gareth and the Lost Island is the story of a young professor named Gareth Mintel,
12
00:01:03,955 --> 00:01:13,986
and his adventures dealing with pirates, reptilian slavers, irritable skeletons, and a vicious venomous duck.
13
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:19,185
Now, to best understand Gareth, and the world that made him,
14
00:01:19,185 --> 00:01:26,283
we need to go back to the beginning, and by that, I mean the very beginning.
15
00:01:26,283 --> 00:01:30,949
[Time rewinding]
16
00:01:30,949 --> 00:01:36,781
NARRATOR: Before luxuries such as time and space existed, there was nothing.
17
00:01:36,781 --> 00:01:38,181
[cricket chirping]
18
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,747
NARRATOR: I said, there was nothing.
19
00:01:40,747 --> 00:01:41,447
CRICKET: Sorry.
20
00:01:41,447 --> 00:01:52,078
NARRATOR: As I was saying, this complete lack of anything left the goddess Fate with very few entertainment options.
21
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:55,478
FATE: Bored, bored, bored.
22
00:01:55,478 --> 00:02:03,343
NARRATOR: To relieve the tediousness of non-existence, Fate decided to try a little experiment.
23
00:02:03,343 --> 00:02:08,408
FATE: I wonder what would happen if I do...this.
24
00:02:08,408 --> 00:02:12,641
[Big Bang]
25
00:02:12,641 --> 00:02:17,707
NARRATOR: FATE’s experiment had created the very first something.
26
00:02:17,707 --> 00:02:26,905
That something was an explosion so intense, it spawned not one, but an infinite number of universes.
27
00:02:26,905 --> 00:02:29,371
FATE: Huh...cool!
28
00:02:29,371 --> 00:02:35,403
NARRATOR: The universe we are interested in is one that somehow managed to meld both magic
29
00:02:35,403 --> 00:02:41,369
and science into a unified set of laws that governed how things worked.
30
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,468
FATE: Yep, that was me.
31
00:02:43,468 --> 00:02:53,633
NARRATOR: If we narrow our focus even more, we come across a solar system with seven planets orbiting a bright, yellow sun.
32
00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:59,832
One of the planets just happened to be in the perfect spot to have life spring up.
33
00:02:59,832 --> 00:03:03,697
FATE: That was me too. You’re welcome.
34
00:03:03,697 --> 00:03:12,096
NARRATOR: Thanks to the combined powers of Magic and Science, several sentient races evolved on Hadronus.
35
00:03:12,096 --> 00:03:22,127
Just like intelligent life throughout the multiverse, the sentient races of Hadronus managed to royally cock things up.
36
00:03:22,127 --> 00:03:27,259
FATE: Okay… that was totally not my fault.
37
00:03:27,259 --> 00:03:34,025
NARRATOR: The pride, and jealousies, of the different races lead to two separate wars
38
00:03:34,025 --> 00:03:39,724
that almost left Hadronus bereft of intelligent life on both occasions.
39
00:03:39,724 --> 00:03:46,656
These wars were later referred to as the First and Second Great Apocalypses.
40
00:03:46,656 --> 00:03:48,455
FATE: Hey, Narrator!
41
00:03:48,455 --> 00:03:50,622
NARRATOR: Um...yes.
42
00:03:50,622 --> 00:03:54,154
FATE: While I’m immortal, the listeners aren’t.
43
00:03:54,154 --> 00:03:56,720
You might want to speed this up a bit.
44
00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,120
NARRATOR: Yes, yes of course. Let me see…
45
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,120
[pages flipping]
46
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,552
NARRATOR: Ah...here we are.
47
00:04:04,552 --> 00:04:09,784
Thousands of years after the Second Great Apocalypse, the intelligent
48
00:04:09,784 --> 00:04:18,016
species on Hadronus pulled themselves up out of the ashes, and gave civilization a go once more.
49
00:04:18,016 --> 00:04:26,214
Of the remaining 12 intelligent species, humans rose to be the most dominant of the lot.
50
00:04:26,214 --> 00:04:29,014
Humans, just being human,
51
00:04:29,014 --> 00:04:30,847
[bed squeaking]
52
00:04:30,847 --> 00:04:39,012
NARRATOR: bred like bunnies, and soon overrun the borders of their home in the Southern Continent.
53
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:44,777
During this time, the 12 intelligent species on Hadronus, including Humans,
54
00:04:44,777 --> 00:04:55,009
lived in a golden age of magic crystals, and steamwork gears. Eventually we reach the point where our story takes place.
55
00:04:55,009 --> 00:04:57,075
FATE: About time...
56
00:04:57,075 --> 00:05:01,374
NARRATOR: I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t hear you.
57
00:05:01,374 --> 00:05:04,674
FATE: Nothing, go on with the story.
58
00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:13,772
NARRATOR: Despite the University he worked for being mired in greed and politics, a young professor still found reasons to celebrate,
59
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:20,670
and made his way to the local pub with his adoptive father. This young professor’s adventures would eventually
60
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:27,669
make him a household name across Hadronus. Not to mention the tales of his experiences with a certain questionable
61
00:05:27,669 --> 00:05:35,767
magical talisman would be used to frighten children, and those with sensitive noses, around campfires for generations to come.
62
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:40,067
FATE: Yes! Finally, we get to the good stuff.
63
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:50,198
NARRATOR: But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Before he changed the world, Gareth Mintel got really, really drunk.
64
00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:56,063
[scene change music]
65
00:05:56,063 --> 00:06:02,662
NARRATOR: Gareth and the Lost Island Episode 1: The Spirits Merchant
66
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:27,990
[Theme]
67
00:06:28,924 --> 00:06:30,424
[tavern ambience] TRALNIS: All right Gareth, you know the traditions of the Spirits Merchant.
68
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:39,255
It’s time for you to stand, and give your nightly toast. Remember, it can be about anything.
69
00:06:39,255 --> 00:06:44,687
GARETH: Um… let me think. Oh, okay, I got one.
70
00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:52,852
[internal dialogue] All right, Gareth, you can do this. Stand up slowly. And… the room is spinning.
71
00:06:52,852 --> 00:07:09,615
Come on walls, behave like you’re supposed to, and stay still. Hey look, I’m not falling over. Now raise your glass, and try not to spill too much of this mead.
72
00:07:09,615 --> 00:07:14,281
[public speaking voice] A toast to misplaced accent marks!
73
00:07:14,281 --> 00:07:20,780
TRALNIS: Not that I’ve ever found a reason not to drink to something, but what in the 34 layers of hell
74
00:07:20,780 --> 00:07:24,079
does an accent mark have to do with anything?
75
00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:37,777
Gareth: Why everything of course, and hopefully it should secure my tenure at the University Arcanum...num..numnums...mmm now I'm hungry.
76
00:07:37,777 --> 00:07:38,876
TRALNIS: Huh?
77
00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:44,875
GARETH: One of the most boring tasks given to a first-year student studying Issian
78
00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:58,406
is to translate the works of the Issian philosopher, Dravis the Martyr. The other professors say it’s supposed to build character, or some rubbish like that.
79
00:07:58,406 --> 00:08:08,670
My discovery will take Dravis’ works from being a tedious chore to something that people will beg to translate.
80
00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:10,937
TRALNIS: Riiiiight.
81
00:08:10,937 --> 00:08:23,068
GARETH: No, really. I was working in the library, and came across an original copy of the first volume of Dravis’ works.
82
00:08:23,068 --> 00:08:37,231
It turns out that whoever made the copies to be translated by students routinely put the accent mark in Dravis’ title in the wrong place.
83
00:08:37,231 --> 00:08:49,296
You see, Issian has very few words, and the placement of a single accent mark can change the meaning and context of an entire sentence.
84
00:08:49,296 --> 00:09:04,226
My first clue to the difference was how his honorific actually read. Instead of Dravis the Martyr, his real title was Dravis the Hung!
85
00:09:04,226 --> 00:09:11,558
TRALNIS: No offense, Gareth, but only a language scholar like yourself could get excited about a little change like that.
86
00:09:11,558 --> 00:09:18,457
What does it matter if some poor dead sod is known as a martyr, versus that he was killed by hanging?
87
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:29,588
GARETH: That’s just it, Tralnis, Dravis died happily of old age, and what I suspect was total exhaustion.
88
00:09:29,588 --> 00:09:36,453
TRALNIS: Hold on a moment, Gareth. I need more ale if we are going to get any deeper into linguistic history.
89
00:09:36,453 --> 00:09:40,319
[sipping ale]
90
00:09:40,319 --> 00:09:50,250
GARETH: Dravis’ title had nothing to do with his demise, but everything to do with how much the women from his village
91
00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:57,216
(and a few of the men) were impressed by the size of the equipment below his belt.
92
00:09:57,216 --> 00:09:58,582
[spit take]
93
00:09:58,582 --> 00:10:03,681
TRALNIS: Sorry, here take this napkin, and wipe off your teaching jacket.
94
00:10:03,681 --> 00:10:05,581
[wipes jacket with napkin]
95
00:10:05,581 --> 00:10:10,446
TRALNIS: Now then, it’s safe to say you have my complete attention, Gareth!
96
00:10:10,446 --> 00:10:20,944
GARETH: Knowing where the accent mark was supposed to go completely changed how Dravis’ first work read.
97
00:10:20,944 --> 00:10:33,375
As it turns out, it was just an introduction for the other six volumes, which documented all of the numerous techniques Dravis developed over his lifetime of shagging
98
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:41,140
Of course, once I learned that, I had to find the other six volumes.
99
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:46,406
TRALNIS: Now that sounds like a set of ancient texts that I could appreciate.
100
00:10:46,406 --> 00:10:52,338
I knew I raised you right. You might be a human, but you have the heart of a Dwarf.
101
00:10:52,338 --> 00:11:01,003
Like I’ve said before, the only thing we Dwarves do more often than drink ale is have sex, and we drink a lot of ale.
102
00:11:01,003 --> 00:11:12,101
GARETH: I dug through nearly every storage room in the library’s basement, and must have sifted through several tons of parchments
103
00:11:12,101 --> 00:11:26,531
before I found the collected works of Dravis. They ended up being in an unlabeled box in the back of an alcove that was set aside for cleaning spells and rituals.
104
00:11:26,531 --> 00:11:41,128
Dravis might have had the appetites of a Dwarf, but he was nothing if not thorough in the documentations of the techniques he had either learned, or developed on his own.
105
00:11:41,128 --> 00:11:51,226
Volume 3 is well… let’s just say that I had to take a series of cold showers while I translated it.
106
00:11:51,226 --> 00:11:56,859
TRALNIS: Hold up for a minute, Gareth, it looks like a pretty little Dryad is headed our way.
107
00:11:56,859 --> 00:12:02,358
Judging from the wood grain pattern I can see; I would guess her bonded tree must be an elm.
108
00:12:02,358 --> 00:12:11,189
One thing I’ve always wondered about Dryads is how they manage to keep from tearing their leaf dresses, considering how large their breasts usually are.
109
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:17,121
I hope this one shaves down below. I hate getting moss on my tongue.
110
00:12:17,121 --> 00:12:21,187
Hello gorgeous, my name is--
111
00:12:21,187 --> 00:12:29,952
MELINDA: Excuse me for interrupting, Scholar, but the Issians were friends of my people before the Second Apocalypse.
112
00:12:29,952 --> 00:12:39,250
Dravis is very much revered by those of us from the Great Forest. Have you truly discovered the lost texts?
113
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:43,816
GARETH: Well… uh… yes, actually.
114
00:12:43,816 --> 00:12:44,949
[bump into table sound]
115
00:12:44,949 --> 00:12:51,148
GARETH: Whoa! You lifted me off the bench with only one hand.
116
00:12:51,148 --> 00:13:00,579
MELINDA: We Dryads are stronger than we look. You should see what we can crush with our thighs.
117
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:09,911
Anyway, I’ve rented a room upstairs. Let’s see how much of Dravis’ teaching you were able to retain.
118
00:13:09,911 --> 00:13:18,476
GARETH: I would love to go with you, but I just have to know which one of you is asking.
119
00:13:18,476 --> 00:13:24,875
The pretty Dryad on the left or the one on the right?
120
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:29,974
TRALNIS: You’re seeing double Gareth. Now where did I put that blasted vial. [slapping pockets]
121
00:13:29,974 --> 00:13:35,472
TRALNIS: Ah there it is. Here Gareth, drink this.
122
00:13:35,472 --> 00:13:50,403
GARETH: Three quick questions for you first. 1) What is it? 2) Why is it an unnatural green color?
123
00:13:50,403 --> 00:14:00,268
And C, I mean 3) Is… is it moving on its own?!
124
00:14:00,268 --> 00:14:09,666
TRALNIS: Three quick answers then: it’s the sobriety potion I’ve been working on, I’m not really sure, and yes, yes it is.
125
00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:23,763
Look, you don’t have to drink it, but you’ll want to be sober to fully appreciate all a Dryad can offer. Plus, I think this beautiful sapling here would like you to be at the top game so to speak.
126
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:33,461
MELINDA: Yes, I most definitely would. There are several positions I would like to try with this young man,
127
00:14:33,461 --> 00:14:42,526
and most of them require fairly good balance from both of us. Thank you, kind Dwarf.
128
00:14:42,526 --> 00:14:49,458
GARETH: That has to be the best argument for drinking a potion I have ever heard.
129
00:14:49,458 --> 00:14:53,957
All right, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
130
00:14:53,957 --> 00:14:55,523
[cork pop, gulping]
131
00:14:55,523 --> 00:15:03,888
GARETH: [gagging noises] Good gods, Tralnis! That tastes worse than your cooking!
132
00:15:03,888 --> 00:15:14,520
Wait… the room stopped spinning, and there’s only one Dryad standing next to me. You finally got the potion to work!
133
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,552
Don’t wait up for me.
134
00:15:16,552 --> 00:15:19,452
[footsteps up the stairs]
135
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:29,583
TRALNIS: Aaannd they’re gone. Time for my toast it seems. I just have to stand on this bench so everyone can see me.
136
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:35,915
Tonight, my son has done that which many, including myself, never thought possible.
137
00:15:35,915 --> 00:15:43,747
He managed to attract a beautiful young woman who approached him, and nearly dragged him off to her bedchambers.
138
00:15:43,747 --> 00:15:47,713
[good natured laughing]
139
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:52,879
TRALNIS: Fellow scholars, that was not the impossible deed of which I speak.
140
00:15:52,879 --> 00:15:58,411
My son is a handsome man, and several women have hoped to ensnare him before this.
141
00:15:58,411 --> 00:16:08,342
No, the seemingly impossible feat was that the young woman was insistent he bed her not despite him being a language scholar, but because of it!
142
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,909
[crowd noises stop / record needle screech]
143
00:16:09,909 --> 00:16:17,174
LEAD BRUTE: I call dragonshit on that. Everyone knows you short little Dwarves like to tell tall tales.
144
00:16:17,174 --> 00:16:25,639
Now if you would be willing to swear it upon one of the accepted gods, then maybe we will believe you.
145
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:35,770
TRALNIS: I’ll do you one better, you bigoted arse. I will swear on something more important to a Dwarf than any imaginary person in the sky.
146
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:47,368
I swear upon this fine ale in my mug that what I said is the truth, and if I should have lied, may my ale taste like Scaled One piss for the rest of my life.
147
00:16:47,368 --> 00:16:49,667
[taking a loud drink]
148
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:56,066
TRALNIS: Yep, still tastes as good as the first ale I had when I was just a wee lad.
149
00:16:56,066 --> 00:17:00,898
To Gareth Mintel, may he continue to do the impossible.
150
00:17:00,898 --> 00:17:03,931
[cheers]
151
00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:05,331
[bar ambience resumes]
152
00:17:05,331 --> 00:17:13,763
TRALNIS: Now then Tralnis old chap, time to see who might be up for a tumble. Can’t let my son show me up after all.
153
00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:24,361
Hhhhmm, those two over there wearing the gold sleeve stripe of the School of Mechanical Sciences look like they would make for an enjoyable, and sweaty evening.
154
00:17:24,361 --> 00:17:37,391
I can’t decide if the young man, or the young woman, is the better looking of the pair. Not that it really matters, either one looks like they will put a smile behind this handsome beard of mine.
155
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:44,057
[scene change music]
156
00:17:44,057 --> 00:17:49,889
MELINDA: This is my room, scholar. Let me unlock the door for us.
157
00:17:49,889 --> 00:17:51,822
[unlocking, opening door]
158
00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:53,855
MELINDA: After you.
159
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:58,620
GARETH: Wow, I didn’t know the Spirit’s Merchant even had rooms this nice.
160
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:03,719
I definitely wasn’t expecting matching furniture, or such a large window.
161
00:18:03,719 --> 00:18:13,484
The only drawback is the fact the window, which does provide a pretty view of the twin moons, opens up right above the stables.
162
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:20,149
MELINDA: Unlike the rest of the sentient races, my people find the smell of fresh fertilizer to be
163
00:18:20,149 --> 00:18:27,648
very enticing. It promotes growth, and new life after all.
164
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:35,946
GARETH: I never thought about it like that, but it makes sense for a species that is equal parts plant and animal to appreciate that smell.
165
00:18:35,946 --> 00:18:40,879
MELINDA: Now excuse me for a moment while I lock the door.
166
00:18:40,879 --> 00:18:47,744
[door shutting, multiple locks being set]
[brief Horror music]
167
00:18:47,744 --> 00:18:53,576
GARETH: Uhh… that seems like an awfully large number of locks for a rented room.
168
00:18:53,576 --> 00:19:03,974
MELINDA: This is the room I usually rent when staying here. The owners of the Spirits Merchant know that I hate to be disturbed when entertaining myself
169
00:19:03,974 --> 00:19:12,939
and others, so they installed these locks for me. You don’t want to be disturbed tonight, do you?
170
00:19:12,939 --> 00:19:15,205
GARETH: No, no I don’t.
171
00:19:15,205 --> 00:19:24,937
MELINDA: I didn’t think you would. Now, let’s see about getting you out of those delicious clothes.
172
00:19:24,937 --> 00:19:37,467
I have always had a thing for the University Arcanum uniform with that smart looking, burgundy jacket and sharp gray trousers.
173
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:42,067
GARETH: Wait! Before we go any farther, shouldn’t I least know your name?
174
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:47,932
MELINDA: Do we need names to do what our bodies crave?
175
00:19:47,932 --> 00:19:50,932
GARETH: No, I don’t suppose we do.
176
00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:58,430
MELINDA: I didn’t think so. Now let’s get rid of those clothes of yours.
177
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:05,062
[clothes being removed]
178
00:20:05,062 --> 00:20:06,228
[dresser being bumped]
179
00:20:06,228 --> 00:20:15,193
GARETH: (Internal dialogue) Ouch! That drawer handle is definitely going to leave a bruise, but so totally worth it.
180
00:20:15,193 --> 00:20:23,825
MELINDA: Now that we have you out of your clothes, I must say I chose quite well tonight.
181
00:20:23,825 --> 00:20:35,489
I especially like your sandy blonde hair, and beautiful violet eyes. They remind me of lilacs in the summer.
182
00:20:35,489 --> 00:20:41,055
It seems like I am terribly overdressed for the occasion.
183
00:20:41,055 --> 00:20:51,453
One of the nicer perks of only wearing this dress is how quickly I can return to being naked as Mother Hadronus intended.
184
00:20:51,453 --> 00:21:02,384
GARETH: [whispers] Rake thåä oniut oo, b’doa chi Hadronus - you are truly beautiful, child of Hadronus.
185
00:21:02,384 --> 00:21:09,883
MELINDA: You can speak the Language of the Forest? I haven’t heard anyone speak it in years.
186
00:21:09,883 --> 00:21:17,614
GARETH: Of course, I do. Being able to speak the Language of the Forest is a requirement for all professors in the School of Languages.
187
00:21:17,614 --> 00:21:22,380
MELINDA: Aren’t you a little young to be a Languages Professor?
188
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:25,513
GARETH: Why yes, yes I am.
189
00:21:25,513 --> 00:21:33,978
MELINDA: Well in that case, let’s see how much of a cunning linguist a young man like you can be.
190
00:21:33,978 --> 00:21:42,109
GARETH: Oof! Bed’s a bit firmer than I was expecting. Is this custom made?
191
00:21:42,109 --> 00:21:44,709
MELINDA: Focus, Professor.
192
00:21:44,709 --> 00:21:47,075
GARETH: Right, sorry.
193
00:21:47,075 --> 00:21:53,874
MELINDA: Any other questions, before we consummate our evening?
194
00:21:53,874 --> 00:21:57,306
[knocking on door]
195
00:21:57,306 --> 00:22:05,205
MERCHANT: Melinda? Melinda… I know you’re in there my love. Open up my little shrub!
196
00:22:05,205 --> 00:22:10,204
MELINDA: Wood Rot! Bastard wasn’t supposed to be back until next week.
197
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:18,802
GARETH: Uh… actually, I do have a question now that you mention it. [nervously] Who’s at the door?
198
00:22:18,802 --> 00:22:21,635
MELINDA: My husband.
199
00:22:21,635 --> 00:22:23,335
GARETH: Your husband?!
200
00:22:23,335 --> 00:22:25,201
[louder knocking]
201
00:22:25,201 --> 00:22:28,534
MERCHANT: Melinda dear, are you alright?
202
00:22:28,534 --> 00:22:32,899
Something must be wrong! Boys, break it down!
203
00:22:32,899 --> 00:22:35,399
[door slamming sounds]
204
00:22:35,399 --> 00:22:39,232
MELINDA: You might want to get dressed.
205
00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:39,998
GARETH: Right!
206
00:22:39,998 --> 00:22:41,164
[gets out of bed]
207
00:22:41,164 --> 00:22:48,496
GARETH: At least the two moons are providing enough light for me to see by. Now where are my trousers? Oh, there they are.
208
00:22:48,496 --> 00:22:51,262
And now my shirt…
209
00:22:51,262 --> 00:22:53,462
[louder slamming on door]
210
00:22:53,462 --> 00:23:00,461
MERCHANT: Why am I employing you if you can’t even break down a simple door?! Try harder, you fools!
211
00:23:00,461 --> 00:23:09,359
GARETH: Okay, I’ve got my shirt, socks, trousers, and right boot on, but where in the hells is my left boot?!
212
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,258
MELINDA: Oh... ah...try next to the window.
213
00:23:12,258 --> 00:23:16,691
GARETH: You’re right, thanks!
[puts on boot]
214
00:23:16,691 --> 00:23:21,956
GARETH: Whoa!
[falls over]
GARETH: I’m okay.
215
00:23:21,956 --> 00:23:25,389
MELINDA: You are going to want to go out the window.
216
00:23:25,389 --> 00:23:31,954
My husband always has several bodyguards whose second most favorite activity is beating people to death.
217
00:23:31,954 --> 00:23:37,953
GARETH: Yeah, cuz being dead would completely ruin my plans for tomorrow.
218
00:23:37,953 --> 00:23:46,185
GARETH: [internal dialogue] Wait a minute… I’m not fully dressed for a proper member of the University Arcanum.
219
00:23:46,185 --> 00:23:49,684
Melinda, toss me my jacket!
220
00:23:49,684 --> 00:23:54,283
MELINDA: Gladly! I wouldn’t want my husband to suspect anything.
221
00:23:54,283 --> 00:23:58,016
[door breaking / shattering]
MELINDA: Here!
222
00:23:58,016 --> 00:24:08,780
GARETH: Not in the face! [jacket to the face] GARETH: Oof! Oh bugger! [sliding down tiles, splash]
223
00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:15,646
TRALNIS: Wonderful… just when I was about to have a literal roll in the hay,
224
00:24:15,646 --> 00:24:21,878
some arsehole falls into an oversized horse trough not 6 feet away from me.
225
00:24:21,878 --> 00:24:29,410
[sigh] Sorry you two, but it looks like we’ll have to try this again some other night.
226
00:24:29,410 --> 00:24:38,308
It would probably be best if you both left quickly. I have a feeling things are going to get very tense in a few moments.
227
00:24:38,308 --> 00:24:41,941
[hay rustle, running footsteps]
228
00:24:41,941 --> 00:24:47,206
TRALNIS: Time to have a stern talking to with whomever it was that interrupted my fun.
229
00:24:47,206 --> 00:24:51,672
[water splash], [Gareth coughing]
TRALNIS: Gareth?! Let me help you up!
230
00:24:51,672 --> 00:24:56,271
[more coughing]
GARETH: Thanks, Tralnis.
231
00:24:56,271 --> 00:25:04,170
TRALNIS: My pleasure, or at least it was going to be before you interrupted it. Tell me lad, did you fall,
232
00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:06,636
or were you pushed?
233
00:25:06,636 --> 00:25:11,035
GARETH: I fell.
TRALNIS: And just why did you fall off a roof?
234
00:25:11,035 --> 00:25:15,567
GARETH: Her husband got home early.
TRALNIS: I hate when that happens.
235
00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:22,499
If I had an IRD mark for every time that happened to me, I would have a huge pile of cash,
236
00:25:22,499 --> 00:25:28,398
twice the size of the one for every mark I got for a wife coming home early and catching me.
237
00:25:28,398 --> 00:25:35,297
Come on, let’s get you out of that oversized bucket, and back home for some dry clothes.
238
00:25:35,297 --> 00:25:45,895
GARETH: Thanks. You don’t happen to see my jacket, do you? I lost track of it after it hit me in the face.
239
00:25:45,895 --> 00:25:50,460
TRALNIS: Looks like it landed in that pile of horse shite over there on the right.
240
00:25:50,460 --> 00:26:01,758
GARETH: Great. [sniffs] Oh gods, that reeks! Could this night get any worse?
241
00:26:01,758 --> 00:26:09,390
TRALNIS: You know you just jinxed us, right? [brutes running into stables] Told you so.
242
00:26:09,390 --> 00:26:14,856
LEAD BRUTE: Well, well, well, look what we have here boys?
243
00:26:14,856 --> 00:26:21,654
Looks like that uppity Dwarf from earlier, and the idiot the boss wanted dealt with.
244
00:26:21,654 --> 00:26:26,087
TRALNIS: Just the four of you? You might want to go get some reinforcements!
245
00:26:26,087 --> 00:26:30,852
LEAD BRUTE: We don’t need to.
246
00:26:30,852 --> 00:26:34,952
TRALNIS: I guess we’ll see if the four of you can take us then.
247
00:26:34,952 --> 00:26:44,283
LEAD BRUTE: No shorty, I meant we don’t need to go and get reinforcements. They should be here in two shakes of a melon lizard’s tail.
248
00:26:44,283 --> 00:26:51,782
In fact, I think I hear them coming now. [more stomping into the stables]
249
00:26:51,782 --> 00:26:58,214
TRALNIS: Gareth, I hate to say this, but we’re screwed, and not in a fun way.
250
00:26:58,214 --> 00:27:07,378
MERCHANT: I should have known, scum from the University judging by those jackets. My Melinda is pure as driven snow, and would never betray me.
251
00:27:07,378 --> 00:27:19,876
It must have been that...that blasted magic you freaks teach there that swayed and seduced my little shrub! Don’t you agree, boys?
[silence]
252
00:27:19,876 --> 00:27:26,075
GARETH: Is it just me, or are none of these brutes willing to look their boss in the eye?
253
00:27:26,075 --> 00:27:33,540
TRALNIS: Looks that way to me, and that one over there is pulling up on his collar, trying to hide a rather obvious hickey.
254
00:27:33,540 --> 00:27:37,739
Damn, I think that lass must be part Dwarf.
255
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:42,605
MERCHANT: Shut up you… you middle-class person!
256
00:27:42,605 --> 00:27:50,937
As for those of you employed by me, we will talk about this after you kill these two, and give their bodies to the sea!
257
00:27:50,937 --> 00:27:55,636
LEAD BRUTE:You heard the boss! Time to have some fun.
258
00:27:55,636 --> 00:27:59,535
GARETH: Not as much fun as a night with Melinda, right guys?
259
00:27:59,535 --> 00:28:08,166
LEAD BRUTE: Ain’t that the truth… I mean… um… uh… shut up, you! Get him boys!
260
00:28:08,166 --> 00:28:10,566
GARETH: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
261
00:28:10,566 --> 00:28:15,432
LEAD BRUTE: And why not?
262
00:28:15,432 --> 00:28:24,563
GARETH: Like your boss said, my companion and I are from the University Arcanum. We possess magic you’ve never dreamed of.
263
00:28:24,563 --> 00:28:31,895
IDIOT BRUTE: I don’t know about that. After me mum’s squirrel and parsnip stew, I have some really weird dreams.
264
00:28:31,895 --> 00:28:38,694
LEAD BRUTE: Tell me again why I let you into the gang? IDIOT BRUTE: I think it was because you married me sister.
265
00:28:38,694 --> 00:28:48,858
LEAD BRUTE: That’s right, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret both of those decisions. Now shut up while I’m talking!
266
00:28:48,858 --> 00:28:53,324
What sort of magic are you threatening us with, Scholar?
267
00:28:53,324 --> 00:28:59,323
GARETH: Nothing less than a Kraunish protection talisman. You know, the Kraunish…
268
00:28:59,323 --> 00:29:06,921
a civilization between the First and Second Great Apocalypses, known for their powerful rune techniques.
269
00:29:06,921 --> 00:29:10,954
You lot have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?
270
00:29:10,954 --> 00:29:14,587
TRALNIS: I think you lost them at, ‘Nothing less.”
271
00:29:14,587 --> 00:29:24,785
GARETH: Anyway, this particular talisman is said to call forth the Unholy Winds to "lay low the user’s enemies!”
272
00:29:24,785 --> 00:29:28,017
[whispers] Tralnis, grab my arm.
273
00:29:28,017 --> 00:29:32,950
Ta’shennish!
[crickets chirping]
274
00:29:32,950 --> 00:29:39,582
TRALNIS: GARETH, nothing is happening.
[brutes laughing]
275
00:29:39,582 --> 00:29:44,947
GARETH: I don’t understand. I took the talisman to the guys in Applied Magics,
276
00:29:44,947 --> 00:29:57,911
and they said that not only was it magical, but fully charged as well. Oh wait, oops, I had it turned around in my hand. Ta’shennish.
277
00:29:57,911 --> 00:30:03,977
[Unholy Winds magic spreading out]
278
00:30:03,977 --> 00:30:12,975
LEAD BRUTE: What the hells is that? I… I… I don’t feel so good. [farts]
279
00:30:12,975 --> 00:30:19,007
IDIOT BRUTE: Yep, just like me mum’s stew.
280
00:30:19,007 --> 00:30:32,005
[more farts]
Ahhh, my stomach!
281
00:30:32,005 --> 00:30:37,070
GARETH: Uh oh, we might be in even more trouble.
282
00:30:37,070 --> 00:30:40,936
TRALNIS: More trouble? How is that even possible?
283
00:30:40,936 --> 00:30:45,769
TRALNIS: In the Spirits Merchant’s stables, of course.
284
00:30:45,769 --> 00:30:55,233
GARETH: Uh-huh, a stable full to capacity with horses, and a magical wave that's spreading outwards.
285
00:30:55,233 --> 00:31:02,132
TRALNIS: Oh…
GARETH: Don’t say it.
TRALNIS: … shite!
286
00:31:02,132 --> 00:31:22,695
[horse farts] [farts ongoing in the background] LEAD BRUTE: Oh gods, my mouth was open. I can taste it!
287
00:31:22,695 --> 00:31:27,460
TRALNIS: We should leave now.
GARETH: Good plan.
288
00:31:27,460 --> 00:31:33,859
[outro music]
289
00:31:33,859 --> 00:31:41,024
NARRATOR: This has been Gareth and the Lost Island. Starring:
290
00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:44,657
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator
291
00:31:44,657 --> 00:31:49,589
Jenna Oliver as the Goddess Fate
292
00:31:49,589 --> 00:31:53,888
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
293
00:31:53,888 --> 00:31:57,388
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
294
00:31:57,388 --> 00:32:01,554
Robin Regaloto as Melinda
295
00:32:01,554 --> 00:32:06,419
Alain F D'Regel as the Lead Brute
296
00:32:06,419 --> 00:32:10,818
O J V A as Melinda’s husband
297
00:32:10,818 --> 00:32:15,784
and Tedd Garmon as the Idiot Brute
298
00:32:15,784 --> 00:32:19,950
No horses came down with chronic flatulence while recording this show.
299
00:32:19,950 --> 00:32:27,915
When asked about himself, the director said that was a rather personal question, and then asked us to pass him the air freshener.
300
00:32:27,915 --> 00:32:32,981
Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
Version: 20240731