Episode 2 - The Merchant Strikes Back Transcript

Gareth and the Lost Island

Episode 2 - The Merchant Strikes Back

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[VDM Logo Music] Quack-Quack-Hiss

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NARRATOR: Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.

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Episode 2 – The Merchant Strikes Back

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Disclaimer: This audio drama should be
considered rated PG-13 for discussions of

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sexual hijinks, drinking,
consuming questionable potions,

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brief moments of violence,
crude language, and even cruder humor.

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Please use caution when listening in public,
as this story may cause audible laughter.

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Venomous Duck Media is not liable for any
strained

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abdominal muscles you may
 receive while listening,

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or the strange looks you might get from other
commuters.

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If laughter persists for more than four hours,
seek immediate medical attention.

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[Theme Music]

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[cheerful bird singing]
GARETH: [moans] Will someone please kill that bird

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or at least make it drink enough
 booze so it's as hungover as I am

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Nothing is getting me out of bed today
[stomach gurgles] GARETH: Except that.

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[bed squeak, running, slam open toilet lid,
throwing up, toilet flushing]

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GARETH: (thinking) Oh gods,
I threw up so much,

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I think my stomach made a portal
to several other people

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and I threw up what they ate. Okay, Gareth,
let’s see if you can make it downstairs,

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and then to the kitchen,
without having your head fall off.

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Although, considering how I feel right
now, that may not be such a bad thing.

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[slow footsteps down stairs]

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GARETH: (outloud) Morning Henry,
morning Tralnis..

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Good morning, Gareth.

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TRALNIS: Just morning,
not ‘good morning’, eh?

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sit, before the floor
rises up to meet you.

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TRALNIS: What did he say?
GARETH: [groan] He said I should sit down,

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before I fall down.
I think I’ll take him up on his offer.

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I feel horrible, and everything
has a weird yellow tint to it.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Must be the piss
from everything you drank last night

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backing up into your eyes.
GARETH: No, that’s not why everything

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has a yellow tint to it. I took care of my
morning absolutions before coming down

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for breakfast. I would also like to point
out

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how truly unfair it is that you look so dapper

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in your vest and kilt, while I look like
something a cat hacked up.

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TRALNIS: My guess is that what you’re
experiencing is just one of the possible

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side effects of the sobriety elixir
I gave you last night. Your vision will

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most likely be back to normal, in an hour
or so.

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You should feel lucky, one of the other

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possible side effects would have
turned your skin green for a week.

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Oh… while I’m thinking about it,
thank you for being my test subject.

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GARETH: Even though you showed it to me
in the handbook, I still can’t believe

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there’s an exemption for family in the
Physician’s Ethics Guide where it comes

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to experimenting on
 unwitting test subjects,

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TRALNIS: Like I told you before,
my father did it to me,

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just as his father did it to him,
and so and so forth for several generations

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of the Granitestaff family. Hopefully someday,
you’ll be able to trick your own children

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into drinking questionable potions and elixirs.
GARETH: Getting back to what I drank last

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night, the elixir sobered me up instantly. Shouldn’t
it

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have also kept me from getting a hangover?

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TRALNIS: No, that would be a totally separate
elixir

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that I’m in the very early stages of developing.

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The sobriety elixir only clears your head,
it doesn’t alter any other effect that

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such huge quantities of alcohol
would have on a person.

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How many times have I told you
not to try and match me drink for drink?

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None of the other twelve sentient
species can match a Dwarf’s constitution.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Let me make you
some tummy taming tea, Gareth.

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GARETH: Thank you, Henry. I would love to 
have a cup of stomach settling tea right now

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[turns on gas, ignites gas, fills tea kettle]

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TRALNIS: Even after all of these years,
I’m still amazed at how you can

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use a foot to do all of that, while
cooking breakfast with your hands, Henry.

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[tea kettle whistle, turns off burner, pouring
tea]

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GARETH: Thanks for the tea, Henry,

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but just so you know, serving it with
your foot flashed me your family jewels.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Eh, I’m a primate
in a kilt, accidents are bound to happen.

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GARETH: Yes, I know Chims wear kilts because
trousers restrict your freedom of movement,

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but I really didn’t need to see a pair
of orange furred balls this morning.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Are you suggesting
I should shave my balls?

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GARETH: Great, now I’m going to have
that image stuck in my head all day.

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TRALNIS: What did he ask you?
GARETH: He inquired if he should

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shave his balls, so I wouldn’t be so offended.
TRALNIS: That reminds me of this one Chim

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I met at a brothel back when I was a first-year
med student. We were both piss poor,

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and decided to go in together on
the price of one of the nicer looking--

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GARETH: Tralnis, I’m trying to eat here.
TRALNIS: Sorry, Gareth, but I would like to

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say that at least I didn’t get
any hair on my tongue that night.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: At least I didn't
drop my balls in your tea, Gareth.

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TRALNIS: Do I even want to know what he said?
GARETH: He said that at least he didn’t

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dunk his balls

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in my tea, like someone else we know.
TRALNIS: I don’t know how many times

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I have to explain that. I was drunk,
and wondered if they called it ‘tea-bagging’

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because it felt similar to dunking the boys
in a cup of tea. How was I to kno w Henry had

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just poured you a fresh cup, and it was steaming
hot?

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Luckily, I had some wonderful burn ointment
on hand.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Here Gareth, at least
try

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to eat some toast.

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GARETH: Okay, I’ll try and eat some of it.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Just out of
curiosity, why did Tralnis smell like a

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horse’s ass when you two got home?
Did he try having sex with a Centaur again?

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[ Gareth laughs and chokes on a bite of toast]
[hoot of alarm, 2 slaps on back, cough / spit]

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GARETH: Thanks, Henry.
TRALNIS: (thinking) One of these days

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I should really learn Chimmish.
(outloud) When you are able to Gareth,

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would you mind telling me
what my butler said

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that was funny enough
to get you to choke on your food?

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GARETH: Why do you think he said something
funny? He might have just been 

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commenting on the weather. See, Henry's
nodding .He's agreeing with me.

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TRALNIS: Nice try boys, but that
trying to look innocent face

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didn’t work with me when you two were
ten years old,

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and it definitely doesn’t work now.
GARETH: Yeah, I didn’t think it would work,

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but it was worth trying. What Henry asked
was why you smelled like a horse’s ass

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when we got home. He was worried that you
had tried having sex with a Centaur… again.

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TRALNIS: What is this, remind a
Dwarf of his past humiliations day?

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You two are never going to let me
forget that little misadventure are you?

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GARETH: Nope.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Never.

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GARETH: Tralnis, you fell off a step ladder
while trying to bugger a centaur.

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That’s a story that bears repeating.
TRALNIS: Well, if it’s all the same to you

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two, I’m just going to go back to reading my
paper,

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and try to not remember those evenings.

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[paper rustling] GARETH: Henry, do you
remember that Kraunish amulet I dug up

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on our last expedition with Professor Rand?
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Yeah.

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GARETH: Turns out I was only partially correct
in

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deciphering the runes on it.

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While the stone did provide a means for
escape, the ‘Unholy Winds’ it mentions

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came from a different
source than what I was expecting.

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In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that talisman

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was originally sold in a Kraunish joke shop.
HENRY:Oh,(fart noises with mouth)]

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GARETH: Yep, exactly.
HENRY: [laughing]

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TRALNIS: You wouldn’t be laughing so hard
if you were there. Imagine a dozen horses,

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and at least half that many humans,
with uncontrollable, and sustained,

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flatulence for an extended period of time.
HENRY: [horrified noise, more laughter]

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TRALNIS: What are you pointing at Henry?
Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

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GARETH: I think I know what he’s pointing
at.

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Look at the headline on the back page of the
paper.

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[paper rustling] TRALNIS: Well Gareth
it looks like we made the news.

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It seems that a mysterious, and as of yet
un-located, sewer gas leak has forced residents

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in a one block circle around the Spirits Merchant
to evacuate their homes and shops.

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GARETH: Whoops.
TRALNIS: Enough about ‘The Great Stink of

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13,026’

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as the paper is calling it. I’m much more
interested in what happened right before that.

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Did you finally divest yourself
of that annoying condition called virginity?

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GARETH: No, the curse is still going strong.
TRALNIS: Nonsense lad, you’re not cursed.

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You’re a handsome young man, who’s just
had

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a bit of bad luck now and then.

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GARETH: A bit of bad luck?! Your memory
must be fading now that you’re over hundred,

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and have forgotten a few important details
about my love life. Since I turned 16,

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there have been 18 separate times where I’ve
almost

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lost my virginity. Each time, something happens

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that interferes with the horizontal
paired mattress dancing. At my count, it’s

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been three husbands, four fathers, six 
mothers, two sisters, a freak tidal wave,

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a rogue flock of Green Bellied Robins, and
a meteor

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striking the house next to the one I was in,

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that have kept me from having sex.
TRALNIS: You’re right… you’re cursed,

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but that’s no reason to stop trying.
GARETH: The thought never crossed my mind.

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Just like you’ve taught me – ‘Never
give up.

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The next stone you uncover might be

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the gem you’re looking for.’
TRALNIS: Hah! That’s the spirit!

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: We Chims have
a similar saying: ‘You have to groom several

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mates, before you find the tastiest lice.’
TRALNIS: What did he say this time?

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GARETH: He said the Chims have a similar
saying, but theirs involves grooming a lot

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of other Chims, before finding the
partner with the tastiest bugs.

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TRALNIS: And that’s why we never have raisins
on

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our toast, or in our porridge in this kitchen.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: It’s a saying that
came from before we started building

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permanent villages. Plus, every Chim I know
bathes regularly. In fact, how about you check

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how recently I bathed by kissing my hairy--
GARETH: He said that it’s an old saying,

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and most of them bathe regularly now,
thank you very much. Henry has a point you

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know Chim social grooming isn’t that much
different from the… uh… more intimate,

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shall we say, customs practiced by the Dwarves.
TRALNIS: [happy sigh] I’ll never

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I’ll never forget those fun times under
the mountain.

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[grandfather clock chimes]

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TRALNIS: Finish up, lad. You only have
a few hours to bathe and dress, before

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you have to present yourself in front of the
Professors’ Conclave to become the youngest

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tenured professor in University history!

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[scene change music]

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[outside ambience] GARETH: I hope Henry 
and Tralnis get here soon. Just waiting 

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outside of the Cathedral of Knowledge is 
fraying my nerves. I hate that the building was

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designed to make everyone feel insignificant
in comparison to the vast amounts of knowledge

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held within its walls. Just one more expression
of the pompousness displayed by most of the

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senior professors – aloof intellectual royalty
sneering down at their subjects from their

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high tower walls. If I really do become a
tenured professor, I vow that I’ll never

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be that way. Only by being approachable will
my

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students learn to love languages like I do.

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GARETH: Thank the universe, there they are.
[running footsteps]

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TRALNIS: [slightly out of breath] I don’t
want to know what deals with the underworld

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he had to make, but Henry somehow managed
to

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get that bit of horse shite out of your jacket.

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GARETH: Henry, you’re a lifesaver. I don’t
even want to think about how bad it

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would have looked if I had shown up for the
Tenure Arguments without my teaching jacket.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Here,
let me help you put this on.

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GARETH: Thanks Henry, I could use some help.
I’m such a bundle of nerves right now, I

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would probably drop it, and ruin all of your hard
work.

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[sliding on jacket]

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GARETH: There, now I feel like a proper
professor again. Oh, that’s weird.

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I've never seen any of your sewing come apart
like

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that, Henry. It must have been defective thread.

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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Umm,
let me just fix that real quick.

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GARETH: Of course, I’ll let you fix it.
[pocket rustling, tin opening, needles rattling]

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GARETH: How many pockets does that vest have?
TRALNIS: Come on lad, it’s time you

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joined the ranks of the senior professors.
I’m damned proud of you, son!

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GARETH: Thanks… Dad.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Let me get

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the doors for you.
[large door opening]

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GARETH: The only good thing about this cathedral
is that as soon as you step inside, you’re in

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the Hall of Greatness. It’s nice to be reminded
that everything we teach, or research, is built

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on the foundations these professors laid out.
All though, it is kinda stupid how all the

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Human statues are two stories tall, just so
they would be the same size as the

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one Cyclops statue, Juth the Blind.
TRALNIS: You know, it’s funny.

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In every depiction of Juth the Blind I’ve
come

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across, I’ve never seen anything that indicated

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he couldn’t see. Take this statue for instance,
it looks like his one eye is tracking our

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progress down the Hall of Greatness. GARETH: 
That’s because Juth could see just fine

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00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:37,589
TRALNIS: Then why in the name of my
bearded grandma was he called Juth the Blind?

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00:16:37,589 --> 00:16:44,480
GARETH: Trust me, you don’t want to know.
TRALNIS: I’m almost eight times older than

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00:16:44,468 --> 00:16:49,560
you, I think I can handle it.
[snort of half amusement and half horror]

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00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:55,600
GARETH: Okay, you asked for it. Do you
see how the statue is dressed? Luckily,

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00:16:55,600 --> 00:17:01,730
they never painted these statues. Juth’s
favorite outfit was a chartreuse waistcoat

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00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:07,260
with brown paisleys paired with a pink overcoat.
HENRY and Tralnis [gagging noises]

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00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:11,696
TRALNIS: Sorry, I just had a small bit of
vomit make its way to my mouth.

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00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:16,210
Gareth, forgive me for doubting your wisdom.  Next time

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00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:19,390
you tell me I don’t want to know, I’ll
believe you.

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00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:21,860
[pocket rustle, tin opening]

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00:17:21,860 --> 00:17:28,520
GARETH: Seriously, how many pockets does that
vest have? It has to be bigger on the inside.

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00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:35,929
[mint tin shaking] TRALNIS: If you’re offering,
I would love a mint right now.

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00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,039
[walking]

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00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:44,000
GARETH: It’s almost hard to believe that
after I step through those doors over there,

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00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,840
and face the Conclave of Professors,
I’ll have my tenureship.

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00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,880
TRALNIS: That you will, lad. Henry and I will
go in,

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00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,600
and get our seats, while you wait for your
turn.

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00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,960
Too bad the School of Languages
always goes last during these conclaves.

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00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,530
GARETH: I shouldn’t
get too bored waiting.

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00:18:02,530 --> 00:18:07,780
[clocking ticking loudly]
GARETH: As Tralnis would say, [mimicking Tralnis]

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00:18:07,780 --> 00:18:14,917
‘By the gods of rock, ore, and ale,’
I am bored out of my mind.

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00:18:14,917 --> 00:18:20,883
[door opening]
GARETH: Finally, it’s my turn.

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00:18:20,883 --> 00:18:24,615
[Conclave music in background]
[footsteps]

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00:18:24,615 --> 00:18:29,110
GARETH: [thinking] Wow, this chamber is huge,
and the audience stands are packed

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00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:33,630
with senior professors and staff.
Well, except for that area reserved

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00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:38,270
for the School of Political Philosophy.
There is a huge gap around that one guy

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00:18:38,270 --> 00:18:46,000
who keeps sniffing at his jacket.
The guy who looks to be my size,

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00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:52,970
and has a very suspicious stain on his jacket.
Normally I would get after Henry for stealing

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00:18:52,970 --> 00:19:00,110
from someone, but since the ‘victim’
of this crime is person who teaches politicians

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00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:06,539
how to lie, cheat, and swindle the masses,
I’ll give him a pass on this one.

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00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:12,960
CHANCELLOR: As dictated in the Universities
charter, no professor may be granted tenure

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00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:18,760
without arguments for, and if necessary,
against being heard in front of the Conclave

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00:19:18,738 --> 00:19:26,450
of Professors and Dean of the University.
Therefore, in this year 13,026 After the

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00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:30,299
Second Great Apocalypse, Professor Gareth
Mintel

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00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,580
comes before the Dean of the University Arcanum

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00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:38,490
and Conclave of Professors, as a candidate
for Tenured Professor.

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00:19:38,490 --> 00:19:45,310
Who sponsors and speaks for the candidate?
TRALNIS: I, Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,

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00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:50,910
do sponsor and speak for Professor Mintel.
If it pleases the Chancellor, I would

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00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:56,450
approach the Conclave, and deliver arguments
on behalf of this most worthy candidate.

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00:19:56,450 --> 00:20:02,330
CHANCELLOR: The Conclave recognizes
Doctor Granitestaff, Tenured Professor of

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00:20:02,329 --> 00:20:08,380
the School of Medicine. You may take the lectern
on the right. Oh, and could somebody please

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00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:12,130
get a stepstool, so that we may
see Doctor Granitestaff while he

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00:20:12,130 --> 00:20:14,630
is giving his arguments?
[step stool sliding]

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00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,760
TRALNIS: Thank you, gentlemen,
and thank you Chancellor.

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00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,690
CHANCELLOR: Before we hear of
Professor Mintel’s qualifications,

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00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:26,430
I ask if there are any among us who oppose
this candidate being granted tenure?

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00:20:26,430 --> 00:20:32,500
PROFESSOR NUTLEISS: Esteemed Chancellor,
and fellow Conclave members, I, Jamice Nutleiss,

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00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,809
the Head of Political Philosophy, strongly
oppose

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00:20:35,809 --> 00:20:40,010
this… professor’s candidacy for tenureship!

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00:20:40,010 --> 00:20:42,870
CHANCELLOR: Never in my 60 years of being
the

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00:20:42,870 --> 00:20:45,410
Chancellor for the University Arcanum has

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00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:50,760
someone challenged a candidate. However,
I still remember the protocol I was taught

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00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:56,630
so long ago. The Conclave recognizes Professor
Nutleiss, Head of the Political

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00:20:56,630 --> 00:21:00,289
Philosophy Department. You may take
You may take the lectern on the left.

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00:21:00,289 --> 00:21:04,830
PROF. NUTLEISS: Thank you, Chancellor.
TRALNIS: [whispers] What the hells?

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00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:11,520
I know the two of us have had our differences
with that arrogant, self-righteous, twat waffle,

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00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:17,970
but I never thought it was bad enough
for him to interfere with your tenureship.

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00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:25,320
GARETH: [moan] Oh no, does the Dryad's
husband from last night remind you of anyone?

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00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:33,200
TRALNIS: Yep, I see it now, same pudgy
face, and rather large nose. I knew there

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00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,020
was a reason why I instantly disliked that
bloke

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00:21:36,020 --> 00:21:39,310
from the stables. I mean other than that

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00:21:39,310 --> 00:21:44,380
whole wanting to kill bit.
CHANCELLOR: As the ancient protocol dictates,

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00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:47,740
Doctor Granitestaff, you have
the right to speak first.

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00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:52,470
TRALNIS: Thank you, Chancellor,
now sit down, before your knees give out.

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00:21:52,470 --> 00:21:56,980
I know how your arthritis is bothering you.
CHANCELLOR: Scamp.

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00:21:56,980 --> 00:22:02,880
TRALNIS: My fellow Conclave members,
I stand before you to recommend that

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00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:08,929
Professor Gareth Mintel be granted
be granted tenure with the University Arcanum.

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00:22:08,929 --> 00:22:13,460
Once I list his accomplishments,
I believe you, and the Dean, will agree with

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00:22:13,437 --> 00:22:22,550
me. Professor Mintel has set many records 
since he arrived at the University Arcanum.

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00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:27,840
He was the youngest student ever
admitted at a tender 12 years of age.

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00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:33,409
When he reached 16, he was given
his first position as a junior professor,

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00:22:33,409 --> 00:22:40,220
making him the youngest professor in University
history. A year later, Professor Mintel was

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00:22:40,220 --> 00:22:46,830
certified as a Master in Languages,
when he demonstrated his fluency in 10

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00:22:46,830 --> 00:22:52,500
separate languages. Since then, he
has gone on to be fluent in 8 more.

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00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:57,779
PROF. DUOLINGO: I, Professor Markus Duolingo,
head of the School of Languages, strongly

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00:22:57,779 --> 00:23:04,299
second this recommendation for tenure!
TRALNIS: Not only is Professor Mintel

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00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:09,929
a valued member of the School of Languages,
but he is a valued member of two other

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00:23:09,929 --> 00:23:16,010
departments as well. Professor Mintel's
 skills in Ancient Languages has been

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00:23:16,010 --> 00:23:21,630
invaluable to the Archeology Department.
PROF. RAND: I, Professor Darla Rand,

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00:23:21,630 --> 00:23:27,750
head of the School of Archeology, also second
this recommendation for tenure. I also vow to

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00:23:27,722 --> 00:23:32,799
keep fighting to get Professor Mintel to switch
over full time to the School of Archeology.

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00:23:32,799 --> 00:23:38,860
TRALNIS: Now those of you in the front rows
might notice that Professor Mintel is wearing

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00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:45,770
not one, but three colored bands denoting
where he works. Along with the blue of

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00:23:45,770 --> 00:23:53,090
Languages, he wears the brown of the Archeology
department, and the green of Applied Magics.

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00:23:53,090 --> 00:23:58,471
While Professor Mintel does not teach any
classes with Applied Magics (mainly due

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00:23:58,471 --> 00:24:05,490
to his complete and utter lack of any
magical abilities), his uncanny grasp of runes

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00:24:05,490 --> 00:24:09,000
has made him a very valuable researcher.

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00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:14,280
This ability has led him, and the rest
of the Applied Magics team, to come up

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00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:21,090
with several innovative theories about how
to expand the use of runes on mechanical devices.

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00:24:21,090 --> 00:24:28,049
REV. NEARWELL: Professor Mintel, as head
of Religious Wizarding Studies, need I

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00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:34,049
remind you, that it is the consensus of most
of the religions of the 12 Sentient Species,

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00:24:34,049 --> 00:24:38,730
that it was the arrogance of the ancients
in their melding of magic and science,

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00:24:38,730 --> 00:24:44,580
that led to the Second Great Apocalypse?
GARETH: Sorry, Reverend, but the only

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00:24:44,580 --> 00:24:51,560
higher power I believe in is the Universe
itself. I can see it, touch it, and finding

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00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:56,750
out its rules is a truly noble pursuit.
Any other deities will have to give me

295
00:24:56,750 --> 00:25:02,370
irrefutable proof of their existence.
CHANCELLOR: I’m sorry, Reverend Nearwell,

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00:25:02,370 --> 00:25:07,210
but Professor Mintel’s religious views
are not what we are here to discuss.

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00:25:07,210 --> 00:25:12,160
While professors wishing to second the
recommendation for tenureship may speak up,

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00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:17,720
others must remain quiet. If you had such
reservations about Professor Mintel,

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00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,760
you should have stepped forward when I asked
for

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00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,340
people to argue against him being granted
tenure.

301
00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,700
Doctor Granitestaff,
do you have anything else to add?

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00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:32,720
TRALNIS: No Chancellor, thank you for the
opportunity to speak on behalf of my son.

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00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,770
CHANCELLOR: Professor Nutleiss,
the floor is yours.

304
00:25:35,770 --> 00:25:39,039
PROF. NUTLEISS:
Fellow Senior Professors, and staff

305
00:25:39,039 --> 00:25:45,290
of our wonderful University, Doctor Granitestaff
has painted a picture of a young man who has

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00:25:45,290 --> 00:25:48,480
accomplished much in his short life. While
I

307
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,500
will not dispute matters that are public record,

308
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:54,049
I will firmly dispute the significance of
these

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00:25:54,049 --> 00:25:58,799
so-called accomplishments. Yes, Professor
Mintel

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00:25:58,799 --> 00:26:04,429
is the youngest professor on record, but is
that a good thing? A proper professor will

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00:26:04,424 --> 00:26:10,919
be able to contribute to our beloved University
with their wisdom based on years of life

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00:26:10,919 --> 00:26:17,500
experience, something Mintel clearly lacks.
As for the number of languages he speaks,

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00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:20,200
that high number is irrelevant. There are
only

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00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:22,890
12 Sentient Species on Hadronus, and all

315
00:26:22,890 --> 00:26:28,830
but a few speak our common language, Trade.
What good does it do for the University

316
00:26:28,830 --> 00:26:32,809
if Mintel can read languages
that no one speaks anymore?

317
00:26:32,809 --> 00:26:37,679
TRALNIS: Professor “Nut-Lice,”
are you suggesting that an entire

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00:26:37,679 --> 00:26:42,790
other School of our great University is of
no worth at all?

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00:26:42,790 --> 00:26:47,779
PROF. NUTLEISS: What did you call me?!
GARETH: Tralnis, I don’t think that’s how 

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00:26:47,749 --> 00:26:54,130
you pronounce his name. I’m pretty
sure his family name is Nutless.

321
00:26:54,130 --> 00:26:59,310
Then again, it may be like how the
Chancellor pronounces it "Nut-lease".

322
00:26:59,310 --> 00:27:05,510
Meaning he has to rent a pair
to make up for his natural lack of a sack,

323
00:27:05,510 --> 00:27:09,360
you would think with how much money his
family has, he could afford to buy a set.

324
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:16,519
PROF. NUTLEISS: It’s pronounced Noot-lease
you cretins! [slow, calming breath]

325
00:27:16,519 --> 00:27:21,830
As we all know, during a Tenure Argument,
the candidate is to remain silent.

326
00:27:21,830 --> 00:27:23,809
Mintel is showing the disregard for rules
that

327
00:27:23,809 --> 00:27:25,940
has plagued his time at our great institution.

328
00:27:25,940 --> 00:27:31,529
While he was merely a student, Mintel was
responsible for at least three experiments

329
00:27:31,529 --> 00:27:34,400
in the Applied Magics lab that resulted in
severe

330
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,520
property damage. As he has demonstrated today,

331
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:43,830
Mintel also refuses to show the proper respect
due a senior professor.

332
00:27:43,830 --> 00:27:48,850
And lastly my dear fellows,
Mintel, and his minuscule mentor,

333
00:27:48,850 --> 00:27:54,080
Doctor Granitestaff, routinely engage in
behaviors unbecoming of a professor–

334
00:27:54,080 --> 00:28:02,200
namely drinking, and carousing.
DEAN: Ah yes, we get to the matter at hand.

335
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:08,070
Professor Mintel, would you care to explain
why a rather influential merchant was in

336
00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:14,500
my office, first thing this morning, irate
and smelling strongly of horse flatulence?

337
00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:17,090
GARETH: I’m not really sure what to say,
sir,

338
00:28:17,090 --> 00:28:19,900
since a gentleman never kisses and tells.

339
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:24,240
The only thing that I am willing to share
is the fact that the merchant in question

340
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,970
has demonstrated the proper pronunciation
of his family name with his inability to

341
00:28:28,970 --> 00:28:33,080
keep his wife satisfied. A trait
I’m sure he and his brother share.

342
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,850
PROF. NUTLEISS: Why you little…

343
00:28:34,850 --> 00:28:41,779
DEAN: Peace, Professor Nutleiss.
Professor Mintel, were you aware that

344
00:28:41,779 --> 00:28:48,690
Deek Nutleiss has recently donated a
great deal of money to the University for

345
00:28:48,658 --> 00:28:53,809
the purpose of building a professor’s
only spa on the grounds?

346
00:28:53,809 --> 00:28:57,820
[appreciative murmurs]
Quiet please, I would hear

347
00:28:57,820 --> 00:29:03,080
Professor Mintel’s response.
GARETH: No Dean, I was unaware of such

348
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:10,110
a gift. Wait a minute. Prof. Nutless,
did your parents actually name

349
00:29:10,110 --> 00:29:14,290
your brother Dick Nutless?
PROF. NUTLEISS: Listen here you

350
00:29:14,290 --> 00:29:21,059
middle-class peasant… I’m going to…
[deep calming breath]

351
00:29:21,059 --> 00:29:26,740
Dean, I think it goes without saying that
my brother will withdraw his extremely

352
00:29:26,740 --> 00:29:34,570
generous offer if Mintel is granted tenure.
Oh… and I forgot to mention, the staff my

353
00:29:34,549 --> 00:29:41,960
brother is planning on hiring provide excellent
manicures, and happy endings for massages.

354
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:50,159
DEAN: Manicures you say? Well, that
does complicate matters doesn’t it?

355
00:29:50,159 --> 00:29:56,230
On one hand, no pun intended, we have
a promising young professor that, despite

356
00:29:56,230 --> 00:30:03,250
what Professor Nutleiss says, will be a
great asset to our beloved University.

357
00:30:03,250 --> 00:30:09,000
On the other hand, we get a professors’
only spa. It would seem that the scales

358
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,539
are well and truly balanced in this argument.
[snaps finger]

359
00:30:13,539 --> 00:30:17,649
DEAN: I have it! We will let the precedents
of

360
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:21,700
past Deans guide us. I believe we shall enact
a

361
00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:29,549
Trial by Discovery for Professor Mintel.
Yes, that is what we shall do. Since the young

362
00:30:29,549 --> 00:30:35,279
man before us holds tremendous potential,
I believe the trial should be a true measure

363
00:30:35,279 --> 00:30:39,370
of his skills. Professor Mintel, I hereby
place

364
00:30:39,370 --> 00:30:42,179
you on indefinite sabbatical, and charge you

365
00:30:42,179 --> 00:30:44,890
with finding the Lost Island of Mascal.

366
00:30:44,890 --> 00:30:46,530
GARETH: What?!
TRALNIS: What?!

367
00:30:46,530 --> 00:30:52,669
DEAN: I have given Professor Mintel a task.
Do you doubt that he is capable enough to

368
00:30:52,669 --> 00:30:57,220
complete this quest, Doctor Granitestaff?
TRALNIS: Finding an island that most people

369
00:30:57,220 --> 00:31:03,380
believe is only a myth, and is barely spoken
of in the oldest records, yes I do.

370
00:31:03,380 --> 00:31:11,340
I doubt anyone could do that! Well, at least
since you, our illustrious leader, have decreed

371
00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:17,960
that this is a University sponsored expedition,
by the University charter, you will be forced

372
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:23,070
to both fund it, and provide
University personnel to staff it.

373
00:31:23,070 --> 00:31:30,850
DEAN: Of course… and thank you for volunteering
to go with him, Doctor Granitestaff. We have

374
00:31:30,826 --> 00:31:33,909
set aside the equivalent of a year’s salary
for both

375
00:31:33,909 --> 00:31:37,929
of you to fund this expedition. Also, to aid

376
00:31:37,929 --> 00:31:41,440
your quest, gentlemen, I have a clay tablet
I

377
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,880
that Professor Dunst has assured me has

378
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:50,440
something to do with the Lost Island of Mascal.
It is yours to use as you wish. It is such

379
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:55,799
a shame that Professor Dunst and reality
haven’t been on speaking terms for years.

380
00:31:55,799 --> 00:32:00,409
GARETH: [whispers to Tralnis] Do you get the
feeling that the tenure argument was decided

381
00:32:00,409 --> 00:32:06,419
long before we got to the Cathedral?
TRALNIS: Aye lad, that I do.

382
00:32:06,419 --> 00:32:12,909
DEAN: Now, as per the ancient precedents,
I command you, Professor Gareth Mintel,

383
00:32:12,909 --> 00:32:19,480
and Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff, to be off
on your quest, and to not return to the

384
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:22,110
University Arcanum until you have proof of
the

385
00:32:22,110 --> 00:32:26,269
discovery we have sent you to find. Mintel,
you

386
00:32:26,269 --> 00:32:31,309
have an hour to clear out your office, before
security escorts you off campus. The same

387
00:32:31,281 --> 00:32:35,960
goes for you, Granitestaff… and take
your smelly butler with you!

388
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,309
PROF. NUTLEISS: Dean, thank you for getting
rid

389
00:32:38,309 --> 00:32:42,270
of Mintel, and that creepy little pervert.

390
00:32:42,270 --> 00:32:50,010
[running footsteps, Henry snarling]
GARETH: No Henry! Don’t! You can fling poo

391
00:32:49,977 --> 00:32:53,390
at the Dean and Nut-less when
 we return with proof that

392
00:32:53,390 --> 00:32:55,100
we found the Lost Island of Mascal.

393
00:32:55,100 --> 00:32:59,200
TRALNIS: Come on lads, let’s leave before
they decide to

394
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:04,610
shaft us with another enormous stalactite
dildo.

395
00:33:04,610 --> 00:33:08,470
[outro music]

396
00:33:08,470 --> 00:33:13,550
NARRATOR: This has been Gareth and the Lost
Island.

397
00:33:13,550 --> 00:33:16,710
Episode 2. Starring:

398
00:33:16,710 --> 00:33:21,490
Peter McGiffen
as the Narrator and Henry’s translator

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Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel

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Devin Smith as the Chancellor
O J V A as Professor Jamice Nutleiss

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Patrick McCook as the Dean of the University

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Featuring:
Sean Foster as Professor Duolingo

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and
A I Mirai as Professor Darla Rand

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Venomous Duck Media wishes to apologize for
comparing politicians, to filthy, hypocritical

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liars as even they must have some
redeeming qualities, unlike politicians.

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Gareth and the Lost Island
was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.