Gareth and the Lost Island - A Fantasy Adventure Comedy Audio Drama Series
Episode 3 - The Journey Begins
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[VDM logo music]
Quack-Quak-Hiss
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Venomous Duck Media
Presents Gareth and the Lost Island
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Episode 3 – The Journey Begins
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Disclaimer: This audio drama
should be considered rated PG-13
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for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,
consuming questionable potions,
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brief moments of violence, crude
language, and even cruder humor.
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Please use caution when listening in public,
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as this story may cause audible laughter.
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Venomous Duck Media is not liable for
any strained abdominal muscles
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you may receive while listening,
or the strange looks you
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might get from other commuters.
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If laughter persists for more than four
hours, seek immediate medical attention.
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[Theme]
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GARETH: Thanks for coming with me
to clean out my office.
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Just so you know, I’m sorry for
dragging you two into this.
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It’s not fair that you got
banished with me.
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TRALNIS: When I signed the guardianship
papers for you at the orphanage,
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I promised that I would look
after you, no matter what.
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You’re my son, Gareth, and
Dwarves take care of their own!
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[Henry affirmative hoots]
GARETH: Thanks, both of you
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That really means a lot to me.
TRALNIS: Look at it this way.
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We weren’t sacked, we were just
put on indefinite sabbatical.
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Soon we’ll be off on a grand adventure,
or a Frentgween as we Dwarves call it.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
A what?
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GARETH: As you know, the Dwarves have
a unique way of looking at things.
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Going on a Frentgween means
traveling to faraway places,
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meeting new people,
and then having lots of sex with them.
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[Henry sighs]
GARETH: Here’s my office
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Let me go first so I can turn
on the Aetherium lights
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so you don’t trip over anything.
[opens door, magic lights powering on]
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HENRY: [low, long hoot]
TRALNIS: While I don’t speak Chimmish,
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I’m pretty sure I know what you mean,
and I have to say I agree completely.
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Gods of rock, ore, and ale, Gareth… how do
you manage to find anything in this mess?
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GARETH: My filing system may not
look like much to you,
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but I know where everything is.
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TRALNIS: All right, prove it.
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What’s in the second box
from the top in the stack over there?
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GARETH: That box contains a
collection of Issian works
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that were halfway between a book
and a newspaper.
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Unlike the newspapers we have today,
which are published daily,
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those were only published
once a month.
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TRALNIS: All right, let's find out.
[ rummaging around in box]
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TRALNIS: Hum, what's this?
[thumbing through magazine]
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TRALNIS: I like how this center
bit unfolds into
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something large enough
to hang on a wall.
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I especially like the nude woman
depicted on it, even if she is an elf.
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I’m just going to borrow this
to… uh… study later.
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GARETH: [chuckles] Henry, do you mind holding this worthless tablet
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while I empty what I can from
my desk into my satchel?
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[several ape noises]
TRANSLATOR: Sure
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GARETH: Thanks.
[Henry mutters to himself]
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Gareth, come here!
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This looks just like the
tattoo on your ass.
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GARETH: Calm down, Henry. I do
have two questions for you.
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The first one is... what
are you talking about
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saying the tablet has a rune that looks just
like the one I have tattooed on my butt?
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The tablet is just covered in
nonsense scribbles.
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The second question is how did you
know I have a tattoo on my
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butt in the first place?
I’ve never shown it to you.
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TRALNIS: Lad, pretty much the whole
campus knows you have a
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a tattoo on your butt of a rune in that
weird language you spoke and read
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when you washed up
on the shores of the IRD.
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GARETH: What? How...why?
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TRALNIS: What do you remember from
the party we threw
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when you got your Language Mastership?
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GARETH: I remember there were quite
a few of my students, lots of drinking,
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and, well, that’s about it actually.
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TRALNIS: Once you were well into your
cups, you somehow got it into your head
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that it would be a great idea
to streak nude across the campus.
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Henry and I chased you from building
to building while you quoted
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obscure poetry in several
different languages.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Look across
the tablet, rather than directly at it.
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GARETH: Look across the tablet,
rather than directly at it?
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That doesn’t make any sen…
wait, you’re right,
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a different image does show up
when I tilt it away from eyes.
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I wonder if there is something like that
on the back side of the tablet.
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Um… okay… that is absolutely
the last thing
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I would have expected to be written
on an ancient clay tablet.
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TRALNIS: What does it say?
[smashes tablet on desk]
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[Henry yelp of surprise]
TRALNIS: What the hells, Gareth?!
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GARETH: Sorry, the runes on the back
side were instructions that said
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‘Break to Open.’
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TRALNIS: Looks like there was a metal
tablet hidden inside the clay one.
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GARETH: At least this one is covered in
runes I can see
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without tilting it in funny directions.
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TRALNIS: Don’t keep us in suspense,
Gareth. What does it say?
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GARETH: It doesn’t actually say anything
or at least not in a way I understand.
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The runes are just groups of numbers
with the occasional letter thrown in.
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What’s really irritating is
that I can vaguely remember
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seeing something similar to this, but
haven’t the foggiest idea as to where.
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TRALNIS: Well, while you’re trying to jog your memory,
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I’m going to go look through that box again.
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I’m definitely interested in seeing what was in that Issian periodical
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with the teal skinned man on the front.
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GARETH: That would be a male Kraun.
Their skin would turn blue
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when they would go into their bi-weekly fertility cycle.
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Wait, that’s it! That’s where I’ve seen it.
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TRALNIS: The sequence is a
fertility cycle?
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GARETH: Not a fertility cycle,
but it was Kraunish.
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Henry, I need you to climb on up
to the top of that bookcase over there
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in the corner and grab
whatever maps you can find.
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Tralnis, I need you to help me get to
the bottom box of this stack.
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TRALNIS: Easy.
[boxes crashing over]
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GARETH: Tralnis!
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TRALNIS: Oh, come on, it’s not like you’re the one
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who will have to clean the mess up.
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GARETH: Good point. We’re looking for
a book bound in light brown
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leather with a Kraunish star
and circle on the front.
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TRALNIS: This one?
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GARETH: Yeah, that’s the one. Now to
clear my desk Tralnis style.
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[desk items falling to floor]
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Here are
the only maps I could find.
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GARETH: Thanks, Henry. OK, we need
this map, and that one.
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They’re both maps of Hadronus,
just 13,000 apart.
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Unroll the first one, while I look up how
the Kraunish wrote down map coordinates.
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[scroll opening]
[pages flipping]
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GARETH: They’re definitely
map coordinates.
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Now that we know what the
first set of runes means,
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I think I have an idea of what the
second sequence means as well.
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TRALNIS: Are those even in the same language?
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The characters look totally different.
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GARETH: That’s because the second
set is written in Issian.
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There’s a chart near the back
of this book
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that helps translate between Issian
and Kraunish map data.
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[page flipping]
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GARETH: They match up perfectly.
OK, now we’re getting somewhere
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And that somewhere is right here…
a small town on the coast
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of the Northern Continent. And that
is going to be a problem.
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TRALNIS: Why? All we need to do is
charter an airship
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and we’ll be there
in a week, maybe two.
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GARETH: This map was made before
the Second Great Apocalypse.
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During that Apocalypse, one of the
ancient races released weapons
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that caused tremendous
earthquakes across Hadronus.
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[scroll opening]
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GARETH: This map is only
a few years old.
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And this is what that
coastline looks like now.
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That town is nearly 50 miles
out into the ocean.
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TRALNIS: A great big bloody ocean…
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why did the town have to be in the
middle of tons and tons of liquid death?!
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GARETH: Are you ok, Tralnis?
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TRALNIS: One of the things Dwarves
are most scared of is drowning
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when a cave suddenly fills up with water.
Large bodies of water scare us silly.
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GARETH: Tralnis, you live on an island
in the middle of the Narrow Sea.
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TRALNIS: Yes, and you’ve not
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once seen me at the beach the
whole time we’ve known each other.
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GARETH: Alright, since Chims can’t swim,
I’ll just have to make the dive myself..
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TRALNIS: No, you better
make it two suits.
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I’ll not let my son go into a watery hell
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full of darkness and death alone.
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While we’re on the subject, any ideas
where to find a pair of diving suits?
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It’s not like we can ask the Dean
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to loan us some from the
School of Nautical Sciences.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
We just won’t ask him then.
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It’s much easier that way.
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TRALNIS:
What did he say?
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GARETH: He said we just
won’t ask before we take them.
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It’s easier that way.
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[scene change music]
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TRALNIS: Where’s Henry?
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I thought he was going to meet
us here at the townhome.
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GARETH: He said he would meet us in
the park near the Sea Labs.
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TRALNIS: [sigh] I went and bought
this trench coat for him.
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I knew Henry hates pants,
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and it was the only thing I could think
of that would cover his orange fur.
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We’ll be awfully exposed on
the walk there
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and I would feel better if we could all
hide in the shadows if we need to.
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Our teaching jackets are dark enough,
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but his orange fur would really draw attention to us.
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GARETH: [chuckles]
Leave it.
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I promise you’ll be impressed with
what he comes up with instead.
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TRALNIS: I hope you’re right. Since we
don't have to wait, let’s be off.
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[door opens, door shuts, footsteps]
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GARETH: With the weather as nice as
it is, that was a really pleasant walk.
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00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,624
It feels like it took no time at all.
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00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:18,266
TRALNIS: We’re at the park when and
where you said we were to meet Henry,
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00:11:18,266 --> 00:11:21,566
we were to meet Henry,
and no sign of my butler.
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00:11:21,566 --> 00:11:25,351
You would think that with the watch I
got him for his last birthday,
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the blasted Chim
could show up on time.
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[Gareth trying not to laugh]
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TRALNIS: Just let it out, Gareth,
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you’re liable to rupture something
if you don’t.
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GARETH: [laughing]
Look over there in that tree.
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00:11:39,884 --> 00:11:45,282
TRALNIS: Yes, it’s a tree. I don’t see
what’s so funny about it.
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00:11:45,282 --> 00:11:49,154
GARETH: Get closer,
you’ll see it eventually.
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TRALNIS: Fine.
[leaves rustling]
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TRALNIS: Um, Gareth,
part of that tree is moving,
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and there’s no wind tonight.
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GARETH: Even closer, Tralnis.
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00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:08,720
[leaves rustling louder]
TRALNIS: What...is...that?
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GARETH: That would be a Chim’s ass,
shaking rhythmically at you
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00:12:12,780 --> 00:12:17,355
I thought as a doctor you would be able
to identify one when you saw it.
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00:12:17,355 --> 00:12:18,820
[Henry landing] [growls]
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TRALNIS: Ahhh! Wait… Henry?!
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00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:24,785
You almost made me
shite my drawers.
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00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:27,836
With you covered head to toe in mud and leaves
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00:12:27,836 --> 00:12:32,793
with only your eyes and teeth showing,
you look like some sort of forest monster
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00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,584
or an elf who doesn’t shave their pubes.
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00:12:35,584 --> 00:12:40,987
Now that I’m not afraid of my
heart jumping out my throat,
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00:12:40,987 --> 00:12:44,988
I’ll have to say you were right, Gareth.
I am impressed.
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GARETH: For as long as they
can remember,
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Henry’s family have been the
hunters of their Clan
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and they were responsible for
feeding a whole village.
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00:12:52,548 --> 00:12:56,656
Over the centuries, his family learned
that ambushing their prey was
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00:12:56,656 --> 00:13:01,279
much easier than chasing after it.
Even after they immigrated to the IRD,
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00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:06,611
Henry’s parents taught him how to camouflage himself in case he needed to do something without being seen.
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00:13:06,611 --> 00:13:10,426
TRALNIS: Now that we’re
all here, what next?
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GARETH: We have to somehow
get past that wall over there,
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make it across the grounds of the School of Nautical Sciences without being seen,
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and break into the equipment shack.
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00:13:20,979 --> 00:13:24,728
[walking through park]
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00:13:24,728 --> 00:13:28,625
GARETH: This part of the wall is sunk
down a bit so it’s only 6 feet tall,
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00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:31,022
so it’s our best bet for climbing over.
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00:13:31,022 --> 00:13:35,146
Tralnis, I’ll bend down
and make a stirrup with my hands.
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00:13:35,146 --> 00:13:36,772
Once you put your foot there,
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00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:40,862
I’ll stand up quickly and try to get you
as close to the top of the wall as I can.
216
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:44,504
TRALNIS: Right.
On the count of three, then?
217
00:13:44,504 --> 00:13:45,646
GARETH: Sure.
218
00:13:45,646 --> 00:13:50,362
TRALNIS: One… two… three.
219
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:53,302
[Tralnis runs, Gareth grunts with effort, smack against wall]
220
00:13:53,302 --> 00:13:57,997
TRALNIS: OOOF! If evolution had
wanted Dwarves to do this,
221
00:13:57,997 --> 00:14:02,716
it would have given us wings,
or least longer legs.
222
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:08,786
There, that’s one over and
now for the second one.
223
00:14:08,786 --> 00:14:10,546
Whoa…
[loud thump landing in bush]
224
00:14:10,546 --> 00:14:15,828
TRALNIS: Ouch… son of a…
you have got to be kidding me…
225
00:14:15,828 --> 00:14:19,021
GARETH: Sounds like Tralnis made
it over without too much damage.
226
00:14:19,021 --> 00:14:22,332
All right, now it's my turn.
Henry, trade places with me.
227
00:14:22,332 --> 00:14:25,268
[Henry grunts in agreement]
GARETH: Okay, same as Tralnis.
228
00:14:25,268 --> 00:14:29,135
One, two, three.
229
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:34,369
[Gareth runs, Henry grunts with effort,]
GARETH: Whoa! Too much oomph, Henry!
230
00:14:34,369 --> 00:14:37,632
And, here I go right past the
top of the wall.
231
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:40,133
This is going to hurt when I land.
232
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:45,959
[loud thump with squish]
GARETH: Yep, I was right, lots of pain.
233
00:14:45,959 --> 00:14:48,969
TRALNIS: Ohhhh...
that looks like it hurt.
234
00:14:48,969 --> 00:14:51,533
It also smells something awful.
235
00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:55,703
What is it with you and getting
horse shite on your jacket lately?
236
00:14:55,703 --> 00:14:58,570
GARETH: At least I didn’t fall
into a Velcronum bush.
237
00:14:58,570 --> 00:15:03,169
Those flower petals are going to be
hells to get off your clothes.
238
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:06,704
Help me up, please. I don’t want
Henry to land on me.
239
00:15:06,704 --> 00:15:09,648
TRALNIS: Here.
[cricket chirping]
240
00:15:09,648 --> 00:15:12,966
TRALNIS: Shouldn’t Henry have come
over that wall by now?
241
00:15:12,966 --> 00:15:20,056
GARETH: Yeah, I wonder what--
[gate opens and shuts]
242
00:15:20,056 --> 00:15:21,203
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Hi guys!
243
00:15:21,203 --> 00:15:24,859
Hope you don’t mind, but I thought
I would take the easier route.
244
00:15:24,859 --> 00:15:29,286
GARETH: Let’s agree to never
speak of this again.
245
00:15:29,286 --> 00:15:31,860
TRALNIS: My lips are sealed.
246
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:34,382
GARETH: Come on, let's hurry
over to the main building
247
00:15:34,382 --> 00:15:36,569
so we aren’t so exposed
on the lawn.
248
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:40,779
[running]
249
00:15:40,779 --> 00:15:45,980
GUARD 1: (humming to self)
Huh?
250
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:49,613
What are you three doing skulking
around here late at night?
251
00:15:49,613 --> 00:15:54,586
(sniffs air)
On second thought, don’t tell me.
252
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:57,732
As far as I’m concerned, I saw nothing.
253
00:15:57,732 --> 00:16:02,407
GUARD 2: Did you find
what was making all of that noise?
254
00:16:02,407 --> 00:16:07,483
GUARD 1: Yeah just a Human and a
Dwarf dressed in filthy teaching jackets
255
00:16:07,483 --> 00:16:10,382
with a Chim covered
head to toe in mud.
256
00:16:10,382 --> 00:16:13,508
I’d think they were up to no good if the
Dwarf wasn’t covered in flowers
257
00:16:13,508 --> 00:16:16,623
with the human covered in what
smells like horse shit.
258
00:16:16,623 --> 00:16:19,497
They must have some kind
of nature fetish.
259
00:16:19,497 --> 00:16:22,954
GUARD 2: Do you want to hang
around and watch?
260
00:16:22,954 --> 00:16:26,172
GUARD 1: Nah. The last time we
watched a Dwarf led ménage a Trois,
261
00:16:26,172 --> 00:16:28,971
I was distracted for a week trying to figure out how they managed
262
00:16:28,971 --> 00:16:31,638
to get into some of the
positions they did.
263
00:16:31,638 --> 00:16:36,602
All though, thinking back to that week
does give me some ideas.
264
00:16:36,602 --> 00:16:38,436
Let’s give these blokes some privacy,
265
00:16:38,436 --> 00:16:42,001
and head back to the guard shack
for some quality time for ourselves.
266
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,606
Guard 2: I thought you
would never ask.
267
00:16:44,606 --> 00:16:48,277
[guards footsteps recede]
268
00:16:48,277 --> 00:16:52,356
GARETH: What just happened?
269
00:16:52,356 --> 00:16:55,888
TRALNIS: I’ll let you know once
I've figured it out myself.
270
00:16:55,888 --> 00:16:58,495
Did that guard really leave?
271
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:04,313
GARETH:I think so. Let me go peek my
head around the corner of the building.
272
00:17:04,313 --> 00:17:07,864
Yep, I saw two of them and they were
both headed back to the guard shack.
273
00:17:07,864 --> 00:17:11,763
TRALNIS: (sigh of relief)
That was way too close.
274
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:14,129
GARETH: Henry, my original plan
275
00:17:14,129 --> 00:17:16,562
was just to break the
lock on the equipment shack
276
00:17:16,562 --> 00:17:21,361
but I have a better idea now. What do
you think about using those trees
277
00:17:21,361 --> 00:17:24,328
for cover over there and go get the keys for us.
278
00:17:24,328 --> 00:17:28,698
I’m pretty sure those gents will be
fairly distracted for a while.
279
00:17:28,698 --> 00:17:32,336
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure
280
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:37,839
[Henry running, leaves rustling]
281
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:41,754
TRALNIS: How long do you think
it will take him to steal the keys?
282
00:17:41,754 --> 00:17:45,800
GARETH: Knowing Henry like I do,
I would say not long at all.
283
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,237
[keys rattling, Henry landing]
284
00:17:48,237 --> 00:17:49,299
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Got them.
285
00:17:49,299 --> 00:17:53,295
GARETH: Great job, Henry. Off to the
equipment shack, Gentlemen.
286
00:17:53,295 --> 00:17:56,286
We have some thievery to get to.
287
00:17:56,286 --> 00:18:00,001
[ocean sounds]
288
00:18:00,001 --> 00:18:04,383
TRALNIS: Unless you want to see a
grown Dwarf shite himself in fear
289
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:10,151
over being so close to the sea, I would
suggest you put a wiggle in it, Gareth.
290
00:18:10,151 --> 00:18:13,935
GARETH: Last key on the ring,
it has to be this one.
291
00:18:13,935 --> 00:18:19,108
[lock and door open, Tralnis running]
GARETH: Oof! Hey!
292
00:18:19,108 --> 00:18:24,675
TRALNIS: (sigh of relief) Thanks be to
blessed, thick stone walls.
293
00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:27,681
GARETH : Henry, would you mind
closing the door while Tralnis and I
294
00:18:27,681 --> 00:18:30,001
try to find what we need for a
deep-water dive?
295
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:32,280
HENRY: [affirmative grunt]
[door shutting]
296
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:37,652
TRALNIS: For the record, I haven’t the
foggiest idea of what you’re looking for.
297
00:18:37,652 --> 00:18:41,212
GARETH: The deep-water suits you’re
looking for are made of oiled leather,
298
00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:47,063
rubber, and brass. There should be matching
helmets made of brass and glass
299
00:18:47,063 --> 00:18:51,755
with a fitting for an air hose on top
stored relatively close to the suits.
300
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:56,049
While you look for those,
I’ll see if I can find a pair of RBT.
301
00:18:56,049 --> 00:18:58,856
TRALNIS: What are RBT?
302
00:18:58,856 --> 00:19:01,377
[crate opening, pulling out tube]
303
00:19:01,377 --> 00:19:05,740
GARETH: These things -
Runic Breathing Tubes. RBT.
304
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:09,640
They’re silver tubes engraved with
runes that transfigure water into air
305
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,194
and then back again when you exhale.
306
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:17,236
They’re good for diving down to
around 40 meters or so.
307
00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:21,542
Any deeper than that, and we’ll need
one of the suits with an air hose attached.
308
00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:25,636
TRALNIS: Wouldn't it make more sense
to just attach one of those tubes
309
00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:30,976
instead of having to rely on an
air hose to keep you alive.
310
00:19:30,976 --> 00:19:37,537
One less point of failure is one less
opportunity for the ocean to snuff you out like a candle.
311
00:19:37,537 --> 00:19:41,033
GARETH: I asked my dive instructor
the same thing. He said
312
00:19:41,033 --> 00:19:43,133
that they sometimes have to dive off
the coasts of countries
313
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:46,924
run by some of the more
conservative religions.
314
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:50,178
Finding any mechanical item
paired with something magical
315
00:19:50,178 --> 00:19:54,108
is an instant death sentence in
those bastions of stupidity.
316
00:19:54,108 --> 00:19:59,131
They go so far as to make sure that the
two different types of diving equipment
317
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:02,208
are transported in separate crates.
318
00:20:02,208 --> 00:20:05,802
I was told some places are so strict,
319
00:20:05,802 --> 00:20:07,869
that if the Wizarding Religious Police
320
00:20:07,869 --> 00:20:11,136
see the same person using both
types of equipment,
321
00:20:11,136 --> 00:20:13,859
the offender is flogged in public.
322
00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:18,321
TRALNIS: That’s one of the things that
has frustrated me my entire life.
323
00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:20,626
I hate how the religious zealots
324
00:20:20,626 --> 00:20:23,984
get away with blocking people
from using common sense.
325
00:20:23,984 --> 00:20:28,275
So, are we going to worry
about religious inspections,
326
00:20:28,275 --> 00:20:31,288
or are we packing all the stuff in one crate?
327
00:20:31,288 --> 00:20:33,454
GARETH: One crate of course.
328
00:20:33,454 --> 00:20:36,504
Henry, grab that box of adapter
rings over there
329
00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:38,773
so we can hook the rune
tubes to the suits.
330
00:20:38,773 --> 00:20:42,292
That way we won’t have to
steal an air pump as well.
331
00:20:42,292 --> 00:20:45,563
While you two load the suits
and helmets we’re “borrowing”
332
00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:47,807
into one of those wheelbarrows
over there,
333
00:20:47,807 --> 00:20:49,986
barrows over there, I need to see
if I can remember where the Dive Master
334
00:20:49,986 --> 00:20:52,322
keeps the experimental stuff.
335
00:20:52,322 --> 00:20:54,450
If she still has what I’m looking for,
336
00:20:54,450 --> 00:20:57,974
it will make things even safer for
us on a deep-water dive.
337
00:20:57,974 --> 00:21:03,815
[scene change music]
338
00:21:03,815 --> 00:21:06,375
[horse carriage noises]
GARETH: Well, Horse,
339
00:21:06,375 --> 00:21:08,581
it looks like we’re almost
to the airship port.
340
00:21:08,581 --> 00:21:12,701
I really want to thank you
for being such a great listener
341
00:21:12,701 --> 00:21:16,480
ever since we left University City,
since both Henry and Tralnis
342
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,238
fell asleep almost as soon as
we passed through the city gates.
343
00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:22,541
Although, I can’t say that I
blame either one.
344
00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:26,338
Tralnis can’t stay awake in a moving
carriage for longer than 20 minutes,
345
00:21:26,338 --> 00:21:29,362
and Henry looked like he
hadn’t slept a wink last night.
346
00:21:29,362 --> 00:21:32,545
I'd feel really guilty keeping
Henry awake
347
00:21:32,545 --> 00:21:35,637
since I’m pretty sure he stayed
up all night looking after me
348
00:21:35,637 --> 00:21:40,718
[horse neighs]
GARETH: Yeah , I agree completely.
349
00:21:40,718 --> 00:21:43,689
Well, actually I have no idea
what you said
350
00:21:43,689 --> 00:21:46,900
but it seems rude to not
respond when spoken to.
351
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:49,969
Now back to Henry. I could
hardly fail to notice
352
00:21:49,969 --> 00:21:52,421
that my teaching jacket
was spotless this morning
353
00:21:52,421 --> 00:21:54,793
despite our little adventure
last night.
354
00:21:54,793 --> 00:21:58,354
I can’t decide if I would rather
it be because Henry
355
00:21:58,354 --> 00:22:02,194
stayed up all night cleaning it,
or set out to steal
356
00:22:02,194 --> 00:22:05,422
another jacket from that
scumbag politics instructor.
357
00:22:05,422 --> 00:22:09,212
[Horse neighs again]
GARETH: You’re right, I’m being silly,
358
00:22:09,212 --> 00:22:11,212
it should be the stealing from the
politician thing.
359
00:22:11,212 --> 00:22:14,855
Sorry to cut this short, but it
looks like we’re here.
360
00:22:14,855 --> 00:22:17,436
Whoa.
[carriage stops, horse chuffs]
361
00:22:17,436 --> 00:22:18,912
GARETH: Excuse me sir,
362
00:22:18,912 --> 00:22:21,209
can you tell me where I can
park this wagon
363
00:22:21,209 --> 00:22:23,844
and then where I can hire an airship?
364
00:22:23,844 --> 00:22:27,028
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Stupid
ground pounders.
365
00:22:27,028 --> 00:22:29,826
(slowly, as if speaking to a child)
You park your wagon over there
366
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:32,239
where all of the other
wagons are parked,
367
00:22:32,239 --> 00:22:34,099
in the obvious parking lot,
368
00:22:34,099 --> 00:22:38,095
marked with the large sign
that reads wagon parking.
369
00:22:38,095 --> 00:22:42,664
Hiring an airship will
need to be done in that big building,
370
00:22:42,664 --> 00:22:46,168
with all of the people coming
and going out of it
371
00:22:46,168 --> 00:22:48,186
GARETH: Thank you.
372
00:22:48,186 --> 00:22:50,019
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD:
Of course, to do that,
373
00:22:50,019 --> 00:22:53,385
you’ll need to stop your wagon,
and climb off it.
374
00:22:53,385 --> 00:22:56,994
Then you’ll have to walk
over to the building.
375
00:22:56,994 --> 00:22:58,372
GARETH: Thanks...
376
00:22:58,372 --> 00:23:00,404
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD:
Once you reach the door to the building,
377
00:23:00,404 --> 00:23:03,645
you’ll have to open it before
you can go inside.
378
00:23:03,645 --> 00:23:06,225
Trying to walk through
a closed door
379
00:23:06,225 --> 00:23:08,932
will only leave you
with a sore nose.
380
00:23:08,932 --> 00:23:11,825
GARETH: Yeah, I get it.
[carriage moves again]
381
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:13,358
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: (fading out)
After you get the door open,
382
00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:18,571
you’ll have to walk inside by
placing one foot in front of the other.
383
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:24,259
GARETH: Whoa!
[horse chuffs, carriage stops]
384
00:23:24,259 --> 00:23:28,826
[seat squeak]
GARETH: Wake up you two, we’re here.
385
00:23:28,826 --> 00:23:32,954
TRALNIS: What bloody luck,
my dream was just getting good.
386
00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:36,565
I was out on a date with
rather handsome Roehus
387
00:23:36,565 --> 00:23:40,515
whose red skin really set off
his cheek and forehead ridges.
388
00:23:40,515 --> 00:23:44,976
What made it even better was
that instead of their normal head quills,
389
00:23:44,976 --> 00:23:47,040
his head was covered in di---
390
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,492
GARETH: Too much information
there again, Tralnis.
391
00:23:49,492 --> 00:23:54,793
TRALNIS: Fine, help me down
then instead. Oof.
392
00:23:54,793 --> 00:23:57,983
No, Henry. I need you to stay her
and keep an eye
393
00:23:57,983 --> 00:24:00,182
on our luggage and equipment.
394
00:24:00,182 --> 00:24:04,339
There is no doubt in my mind
that if we leave the wagon unattended,
395
00:24:04,339 --> 00:24:08,551
the whole thing would mysteriously
vanish before we could walk 20 paces.
396
00:24:08,551 --> 00:24:10,715
[metal drawing]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: No problem
397
00:24:10,715 --> 00:24:13,853
me and Mr. Smashy will play a
rousing game of
398
00:24:13,853 --> 00:24:16,909
slap a bitch if anyone comes
near the wagon.
399
00:24:16,909 --> 00:24:19,924
TRALNIS: That’s a good lad.
Lead on, Gareth.
400
00:24:19,924 --> 00:24:21,869
GARETH: Do you think Henry will
be alright guarding the wagon?
401
00:24:21,869 --> 00:24:23,844
TRALNIS: Considering Chims
look more than a
402
00:24:23,844 --> 00:24:26,855
little bit mentally unhinged
when snarling,
403
00:24:26,855 --> 00:24:29,603
and he’s giving that large
cast iron skillet
404
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:32,156
of his some impressive
practice swings,
405
00:24:32,156 --> 00:24:36,285
yes, I think he’ll be just fine.
406
00:24:36,285 --> 00:24:38,641
GARETH: Yeah, I see
what you mean.
407
00:24:38,641 --> 00:24:41,475
TRALNIS: You’ve been on
expeditions before.
408
00:24:41,475 --> 00:24:44,804
How do we go about
hiring an airship?
409
00:24:44,804 --> 00:24:48,485
GARETH: I have no idea. Professor
Rand always took care of the details.
410
00:24:48,485 --> 00:24:50,919
Personally, I think she just
used the opportunity
411
00:24:50,919 --> 00:24:53,408
as another excuse to get out
of teaching in a classroom.
412
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,904
The only thing I remember her
saying was that she wished there was a
413
00:24:56,904 --> 00:25:00,023
better than dealing with the
shipping guild.
414
00:25:00,023 --> 00:25:02,903
TRALNIS: Well, at least it can’t be
nearly as bad
415
00:25:02,903 --> 00:25:05,934
as dealing with the
Dean and Nut-less.
416
00:25:05,934 --> 00:25:08,614
[door opens,
loud overlapping voices]
417
00:25:08,614 --> 00:25:10,073
TRALNIS: Then again,
I could be wrong.
418
00:25:10,073 --> 00:25:15,253
Imaginary Friends in the Sky,
it sounds like a herd of cattle in here.
419
00:25:15,253 --> 00:25:18,445
GARETH:
What?! I can’t hear you.
420
00:25:18,445 --> 00:25:20,426
Wow, is it just me,
421
00:25:20,426 --> 00:25:24,139
or do you feel like we’re in the
middle of a herd of cattle?
422
00:25:24,139 --> 00:25:27,609
TRALNIS: What?! I can’t hear
what you’re saying.
423
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:30,105
GARETH: What? Oh, never mind,
424
00:25:30,105 --> 00:25:33,500
I think I see the Shipping Guild
booth on the far wall.
425
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:34,665
Follow me.
426
00:25:34,665 --> 00:25:38,756
TRALNIS: Huh? I have no
idea what you mean by a
427
00:25:38,756 --> 00:25:41,651
‘flipping tooth over a tar fall.’
428
00:25:41,651 --> 00:25:45,540
What are you doing?
Wait up, Gareth.
429
00:25:45,540 --> 00:25:47,090
[crowd noise lessens]
TRALNIS: Thank goodness
430
00:25:47,090 --> 00:25:50,127
the acoustics of this
room make it not as loud
431
00:25:50,127 --> 00:25:52,477
as it was in the entryway,
right Gareth?
432
00:25:52,477 --> 00:25:55,952
Gareth? Now where did
he get off to?
433
00:25:55,952 --> 00:25:59,805
Oh, there he is. (chuckle)
Let’s see,
434
00:25:59,805 --> 00:26:05,293
dazed eyes and a goofy grin. I’m
pretty sure I know what distracted him.
435
00:26:05,293 --> 00:26:08,671
So, Gareth, whose arse
are we ogling?
436
00:26:08,671 --> 00:26:09,999
GARETH: What?
437
00:26:09,999 --> 00:26:14,255
TRALNIS: I said, whose arse
are we ogling?
438
00:26:14,255 --> 00:26:16,037
GARETH: Sorry I
got distracted.
439
00:26:16,037 --> 00:26:19,949
A beautiful woman with
bright red hair walked by a few stalls over.
440
00:26:19,949 --> 00:26:23,270
While some people might call
her chubby, or even fat,
441
00:26:23,270 --> 00:26:28,121
I'd argue that she has great
curves in all of the right places.
442
00:26:28,121 --> 00:26:33,485
And, I wasn’t ogling her ‘arse’,
no matter how cute it looked.
443
00:26:33,485 --> 00:26:39,583
Like you taught me, a gentleman in
the Granitestaff household never ogles,
444
00:26:39,583 --> 00:26:43,852
they simply stare in appreciation
of the beauty displayed.
445
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:47,951
TRALNIS: It makes me proud
to know I raised you right.
446
00:26:47,951 --> 00:26:51,745
Now hurry, it looks like there’s a
break in the foot traffic
447
00:26:51,745 --> 00:26:55,446
just ahead that will put us close
to the Shipping Guild booth.
448
00:26:55,446 --> 00:27:00,446
Slithering Salamander Shite!
Gareth, hold up!
449
00:27:00,446 --> 00:27:03,352
Quick, get behind this
trading company booth!
450
00:27:03,352 --> 00:27:04,467
GARETH: What’s going on?
451
00:27:04,467 --> 00:27:07,823
TRALNIS: Remember when I
said I didn’t think this would be worse
452
00:27:07,823 --> 00:27:09,931
than dealing with the
Dean and Nut-Lice?
453
00:27:09,931 --> 00:27:10,889
GARETH: Yeah.
454
00:27:10,889 --> 00:27:13,936
Well, I’m a short enough person
455
00:27:13,936 --> 00:27:18,010
to admit when I’m wrong…
very, very wrong.
456
00:27:18,010 --> 00:27:21,692
I think you better be the one
doing the talking here.
457
00:27:21,692 --> 00:27:24,571
Do you know the Dwarf running
the Shipping Guild booth
458
00:27:24,571 --> 00:27:27,708
I don’t recognize them, and I’m
sure I would remember seeing
459
00:27:27,708 --> 00:27:29,787
anyone with a beard more impressive than yours.
460
00:27:29,787 --> 00:27:35,973
TRALNIS: She’s an ex-girlfriend,
and things didn’t end well between us.
461
00:27:35,973 --> 00:27:41,810
GARETH: Hold on a tick, did you
just say ex-girlfriend?
462
00:27:41,810 --> 00:27:44,071
I thought you were always kidding
when you said female
463
00:27:44,071 --> 00:27:46,083
Dwarves had beards as well.
464
00:27:46,083 --> 00:27:49,737
TRALNIS: Now you know why all
Dwarves are at the bare minimum
465
00:27:49,737 --> 00:27:53,635
bisexual. When both
sexes look the same,
466
00:27:53,635 --> 00:27:57,160
the soonest you find out if
your date is a man or woman is
467
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,301
when the clothes come off.
468
00:27:59,301 --> 00:28:01,738
GARETH: That makes sense,
I suppose.
469
00:28:01,738 --> 00:28:05,251
Alright, so I don’t go into a
situation blind,
470
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:07,683
why don’t you tell me why
you two broke up?
471
00:28:07,683 --> 00:28:11,181
TRALNIS: She caught me in bed with
her brother.
472
00:28:11,181 --> 00:28:16,845
GARETH: You know, I really wish that I
could say that surprises me, but I can’t.
473
00:28:16,845 --> 00:28:21,700
You’re right, I should
do the talking.
474
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:28,445
Um… excuse me, sir…
I mean ma’am. I--
475
00:28:28,445 --> 00:28:31,062
BREGGA: Tralnis… I thought
I had seen the last
476
00:28:31,062 --> 00:28:33,990
of your two-timing,
despicable carcass.
477
00:28:33,990 --> 00:28:37,787
TRALNIS: Bregga, you’re
looking well.
478
00:28:37,787 --> 00:28:42,944
BREGGA: You, human!
What do you want?
479
00:28:42,944 --> 00:28:46,408
You better not be
wasting my time.
480
00:28:46,408 --> 00:28:51,435
wasting my time. You already have one
strike against you showing up with him.
481
00:28:51,435 --> 00:28:56,539
GARETH: We… I mean, I was
hoping you could tell us how
482
00:28:56,539 --> 00:28:58,762
we go about chartering an airship.
483
00:28:58,762 --> 00:29:05,246
BREGGA: Gods below and above, save
me from stupid ground pounders!
484
00:29:05,246 --> 00:29:10,344
Write down your name,
where you are wanting to go,
485
00:29:10,344 --> 00:29:15,085
how many are in your party, and what
type of cargo you have, if any.
486
00:29:15,085 --> 00:29:18,944
At the bottom of the form, write down
the most you are willing to pay.
487
00:29:18,944 --> 00:29:20,919
If it looks like a good deal,
488
00:29:20,919 --> 00:29:23,589
more than one ship might be
interested in it,
489
00:29:23,589 --> 00:29:27,056
and it’s possible you can get the
price to come down in a bidding war.
490
00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:29,622
When you’re done filling out the
form, give it to me
491
00:29:29,622 --> 00:29:31,778
and I’ll post it on the job board.
492
00:29:31,778 --> 00:29:34,936
GARETH: Thank you Ma’am,
definitely a ma’am,
493
00:29:34,936 --> 00:29:37,749
no confusion whatsoever
on my part,
494
00:29:37,749 --> 00:29:43,469
and may I say what a handsome… er,
I mean beautiful beard you have.
495
00:29:43,469 --> 00:29:45,997
Judging by your glare
496
00:29:45,997 --> 00:29:51,132
I should just shut up now an
fill out the form like you told me to
497
00:29:51,132 --> 00:29:58,405
[pencil scratching]
GARETH: Here you go---
498
00:29:58,405 --> 00:30:01,551
BREGGA: Give me that!
Now let’s see…
499
00:30:01,551 --> 00:30:06,929
oh, this is just perfect!
500
00:30:06,929 --> 00:30:12,500
Good luck finding a captain
willing to piss off Deek Nutleiss,
501
00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:16,177
one of the biggest
merchants in the IRD.
502
00:30:16,177 --> 00:30:19,099
You and that worthless
brother buggerer better be
503
00:30:19,099 --> 00:30:21,940
good swimmers if you
want to get off this island
504
00:30:21,940 --> 00:30:24,411
anytime in the next
several decades.
505
00:30:24,411 --> 00:30:29,772
Magnate Nutleiss made it clear that
any captain doing business with you
506
00:30:29,772 --> 00:30:35,871
would never do business with him,
or any of his partners, ever again.
507
00:30:35,871 --> 00:30:40,379
Now leave me be, and take that
pile of dragon shit,
508
00:30:40,379 --> 00:30:44,669
Granitestaff, with you. I’m
taking my lunch break early.
509
00:30:44,669 --> 00:30:47,007
[blind closes]
510
00:30:47,007 --> 00:30:49,146
GARETH: That could have
gone better.
511
00:30:49,146 --> 00:30:52,461
TRALNIS: Actually, I thought
it went rather well.
512
00:30:52,461 --> 00:30:54,417
Last time Bregga and I met,
513
00:30:54,417 --> 00:30:59,581
I ended up needing several stitches after
she shot me in the arse with a crossbow.
514
00:30:59,581 --> 00:31:02,533
Believe me when I tell you that
trying to stitch up your
515
00:31:02,533 --> 00:31:06,150
own arse using a mirror
is a stone bitch.
516
00:31:06,150 --> 00:31:07,964
GARETH: She tried to
kill you?!
517
00:31:07,964 --> 00:31:09,675
TRALNIS: No, not at all.
518
00:31:09,675 --> 00:31:14,212
Bregga can put out the eye of a
cave viper from 50 paces.
519
00:31:14,212 --> 00:31:17,029
She just wanted to make sure I
would have a permanent
520
00:31:17,029 --> 00:31:19,283
reminder of our relationship.
521
00:31:19,283 --> 00:31:21,792
Not that I’m worried,
or anything,
522
00:31:21,792 --> 00:31:25,076
but would you mind standing between
me and Bregga’s booth?
523
00:31:25,076 --> 00:31:28,579
IZZY: Sorry to eavesdrop, but are you
two wanting to hire an airship?
524
00:31:28,579 --> 00:31:33,062
GARETH: Oh wow! You are
even prettier up close
525
00:31:33,062 --> 00:31:36,329
with your green eyes,
pale skin, freckles,
526
00:31:36,329 --> 00:31:39,500
and cute oil smudge at the
tip of your nose.
527
00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:45,067
And I just said all of that
out loud, didn’t I?
528
00:31:45,067 --> 00:31:49,253
IZZY: Yep. At least now I don’t have
to worry about that old adage
529
00:31:49,253 --> 00:31:52,655
that says all of the really cute ones are either married, gay,
530
00:31:52,655 --> 00:31:55,631
undead, or any combination
of the above.
531
00:31:55,631 --> 00:31:58,473
TRALNIS: I’m Doctor
Tralnis Granitestaff,
532
00:31:58,473 --> 00:32:03,270
and this normally eloquent lad is my
son, Professor Gareth Mintel.
533
00:32:03,270 --> 00:32:06,722
Yes, we are looking to
hire an airship.
534
00:32:06,722 --> 00:32:08,494
IZZY: I'm Isadora Morgana,
535
00:32:08,494 --> 00:32:11,621
the engineer, and part
owner of the Glorious Dawn.
536
00:32:11,621 --> 00:32:13,226
My friends call me Izzy.
537
00:32:13,226 --> 00:32:15,765
GARETH: Even though I’m about to die
of embarrassment,
538
00:32:15,765 --> 00:32:18,496
I’d like to say that it’s a pleasure
to meet you, Izzy.
539
00:32:18,496 --> 00:32:20,496
I would be honored if you would
call me Gareth.
540
00:32:20,496 --> 00:32:23,824
Once you get to know the
good doctor here,
541
00:32:23,824 --> 00:32:26,496
I’m sure he would appreciate
you calling him Tralnis
542
00:32:26,496 --> 00:32:30,306
instead of the other less pleasant
names I’m sure you’ll come up with.
543
00:32:30,306 --> 00:32:33,314
To answer your other
question, yes.
544
00:32:33,314 --> 00:32:36,536
We need to hire an airship
for an undetermined amount of time
545
00:32:36,536 --> 00:32:38,175
for an archaeology expedition.
546
00:32:38,175 --> 00:32:41,440
Aside from us, we have a
third member of our party,
547
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:44,451
and a small wagon load of
supplies and equipment.
548
00:32:44,451 --> 00:32:47,472
IZZY: Provided that you don’t mind
if we load up on other cargo
549
00:32:47,472 --> 00:32:50,641
and Tralnis would be willing
to offer his services
550
00:32:50,641 --> 00:32:54,312
free of charge to the crew,
I think we can make a deal.
551
00:32:54,312 --> 00:32:59,917
[outro music]
552
00:32:59,917 --> 00:33:06,607
This has been
Gareth and the Lost Island. Episode 3
553
00:33:06,607 --> 00:33:13,290
Starring: Peter McGiffen
as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
554
00:33:13,290 --> 00:33:16,841
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
555
00:33:16,841 --> 00:33:20,279
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
556
00:33:20,279 --> 00:33:24,339
Derek Fein as University Guard 1
557
00:33:24,339 --> 00:33:28,766
Alex Vancil as University Guard 2
558
00:33:28,766 --> 00:33:32,705
Jeff Vestergaard as Airship Port Guard
559
00:33:32,705 --> 00:33:36,033
Justine Leah Hince as Bregga
560
00:33:36,033 --> 00:33:40,857
and
Debra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
561
00:33:40,857 --> 00:33:44,531
Any resemblance between the
Airship Port Guard and the
562
00:33:44,531 --> 00:33:50,272
TSA is purely intentional on the
part of the writer.
563
00:33:50,272 --> 00:33:55,197
Gareth and the Lost Island was
written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
Version: 20240731