Episode 6 - Saint Mareen Transcript

 

 

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[VDM logo music]
Quack-quack-hiss

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Venomous Duck Media presents,
Gareth and the Lost Island.

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Episode 6 - Saint Mareen

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Disclaimer: This audio drama

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should be considered rated
PG-13 for discussions of

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sexual hijinks, drinking,
consuming questionable potions,

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brief moments of violence,
crude language,

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and even cruder humor.
Please use caution when

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listening in public, as this
story may cause audible laughter.

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Venomous Duck Media is not
liable for any strained

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abdominal muscles you may
receive while listening,

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or the strange looks you
might get from other commuters.

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If laughter persists for more
than four hours,

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seek immediate
medical attention.

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[Theme]

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[Tralnis and Gareth
laughing]

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TRALNIS: I’m sorry, could
you repeat that please.

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I haven’t had that good
of a laugh in a long time.

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IZZY: Elizabeth is sending me
into the City of Saint Mareen

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to sell the figurines.
TRALNIS: Go on lass,

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tell us again why she can’t
come into town with us.

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IZZY: Elizabeth is
on probation here

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for drunk and
disorderly conduct.

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After a few too many,
she decided to perform an

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impromptu burlesque show
in front of the Court House.

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Even though the magistrate
said it was the most unique

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and entertaining thing he’d
seen in a long time,

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he found her guilty anyway.
The Magistrate told her that

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if she was arrested again,
he would have her

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spend the entire time

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of her suspended sentence
performing the act,

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three times a day with an
extra matinee on Sundays,

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or pay a fine greater than the
value of the Glorious Dawn

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[Tralnis and Gareth
laughing again]

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IZZY: (chuckles)
Stop it you two,

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it isn’t that funny.
Okay, well maybe it is,

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but it wasn’t all her fault.
The local alcoholic beverages are

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brewed with Cadanious flowers
to give them extra flavor.

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GARETH: What are
Cadanious flowers?

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TRALNIS: Cadanious flowers
are the main component in

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most major aphrodisiacs.
My great-great-great-grandfather

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was the first to use the
flowers in a mixture to

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treat erectile dysfunction.
The great success of that

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potion is how my family got
our last name, Granitestaff.

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The locals must have
developed a tolerance for it

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since Hadronus isn’t overrun
with the people of

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Saint Mareen. If you don’t
mind, Gareth, I would

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appreciate it if you sold our
share of the figurines to

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whomever Izzy lines
up to sell theirs.

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I’m off to find the
nearest pub

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to experience these Cadanious
laced beverages for myself.

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GARETH: Sure, just remember
what happened to the Captain

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in case you suddenly get
decide to put on a show.

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IZZY: Come on, Gareth,
the main bazaar

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isn’t too far from here.

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GARETH: My Lady, might I offer
to escort you on this outing.

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IZZY: Why thank
you, Professor.

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Hopefully this outing will be
less exciting than our first date.

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[walking]

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GARETH: So, do you have
a plan for selling the figurines?

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IZZY: Yes… sort of…
well at least a vague one.

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I thought we could wander
around the bazaar

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and try to find shops that
sold similar items. Then

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we could ask the owners if they
wanted to buy the figurines.

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GARETH: Izzy, that’s
not exactly the best…

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[body falling] IZZY: Oof!
[footsteps running]

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IZZY: I can’t believe how
rude that Dwarf was!

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They didn’t even apologize
for knocking me over.

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GARETH: Here, let
me help you up.

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IZZY: Thanks.
[pats down clothes]

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IZZY: Gareth! That little
bastard stole the bag with

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the figurines! Hurry, we
need to catch them before

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they get lost in the crowd.
[running]

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IZZY: Dammit! 
We lost them!

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GARETH: Maybe not. Hold on.
Excuse me, which way did the

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‘short, rude person wearing
a dirty gray robe’ go?

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ROEHUS: They ran that way,
and then turned left at the

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stall belonging to the man
who always smells

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of boiled cabbage.

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GARETH: Thank you!
Izzy, follow me!

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[running]
IZZY: (panting) Now where?

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GARETH: Let me listen to
the conversations. 

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[crowd murmuring]
GARETH: Got it!

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Those Dryads are wondering
what the ‘small, strange

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smelling Dwarf’ was running
from. Considering all three

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of them are looking at the
same alleyway, it’s a pretty

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safe bet where our thief went.
You head down the alley.

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That pair of Cyclops gives
me an idea. I’ll try and

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cut the Dwarf off.
[running]

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IZZY: (out of breath) This is
one of the reasons I love my

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engine room so much,
no running.

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IZZY: Okay, here I go.
[running]

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GARETH: Hey!
CYCLOPS: Huh?

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GARETH: Gaxo no u kaakd!
CYCLOPS: Ko.

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GARETH: (thinking) Okay
Gareth, this is only slightly

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different than what you did
at the Sea Labs with Henry.

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I just hope I stick the landing
this time. One…two…Three

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[running, Cyclops and 
Gareth grunt]

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GARETH: Huh, that actually
worked. Now where did

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our thief go? There you are,
Gotcha! Izzy, go down to the

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next intersection,
and turn right!

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IZZY: Gareth?! How did
you end up on the roof

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of a two-story building?!

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GARETH: I’ll explain later.
Hurry, they’re getting away.

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Ahhh!

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IZZY: Gareth?
GARETH: I’m okay.

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IZZY: Gareth, as someone
who wears a brazier, I can

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safely say that on your head
isn’t the proper way.

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On the other hand,
that blue sundress wrapped

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around your neck
really suits you.

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GARETH: Thanks. Hey, the thief
is doubling back, and heading

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off to the left now. If we hurry,
we can cut them off!

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[running, Izzy takes 
deep breath, running]

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IZZY: The money’s
worth the running,

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the money’s
worth the running,

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the money’s
worth the running,

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(thinking) Gareth, what are
you doing? You’re out

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pacing the thief, and 
running out of building

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rapidly. And now you’re
running even faster. I need

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to distract the thief to
give Gareth time to do

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whatever he’s planning.
(outloud) Oey, vertically

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challenged thief! You’ve got
loo paper stuck to your sandal!

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TEESH: I do? No, I don’t.
Hey wait, it’s that lady that I

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stole this bag from.
How’d she follow me?

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[running, Gareth grunts,
lands hard on ground]

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IZZY: (thinking) With what
I just saw, added to the

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stories Tralnis has told me
of Gareth growing up, I have

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only one question: How
in the hells is he still alive?

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At least he distracted
the thief. Now’s my chance!

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TEESH: Did that idiot just
jump off a two story …

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(grunts)
Get off me! You’re heavy!

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IZZY: This beard’s a fake!
You’re not a Dwarf!

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TEESH: Yeah, well
judging from your weight,

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I’m guessing you’re
not a pixie!

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IZZY: Oh, you are so going
to regret saying that.

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GARETH: Wait, Izzy!
She’s just a kid.

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IZZY: A kid? You’re
right, she is a little girl.

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Grab her so she
can’t get away.

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TEESH: Let go!
GARETH: No.

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IZZY: I’ll be taking my bag
back, thank you very much.

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TEESH: Can’t blame a thief
for trying to make a living.

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IZZY: As the person who
you stole from, I can and do.

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TEESH: Okay,
that’s fair I suppose.

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IZZY: I think we need to go
have a chat with your parents.

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TEESH: Hard to do,
seeing I ain’t got none!

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IZZY: What should
we do with her?

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GARETH: Based on her
threadbare clothes, and the

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fact she’s almost thin
enough to disappear if

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she turns sideways, there’s
only one place I can think

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of to take her. Grab her
other arm, the place I’m

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thinking of isn’t too
far away. I saw it

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while running
on the rooftops.

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TEESH: No! Let me go!
You got your stuff back!

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GARETH: Nope, you’re
coming with us,

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whether you
want to or not.

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[walking]

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TEESH: You know, you should 
probably let me go, and get your

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boyfriend checked out by a
doctor. I think he must have

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hit his head when he tried
to fly without an airship.

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This isn’t a City Guard
post, it’s a tavern.

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I promise to live a just
life, and give up my

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misguided ways
while you get him help.

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GARETH: Izzy, if you get the
door, I’ll keep a hold of her.

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TEESH: It was worth a shot.

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[door opens]

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GARETH: Barkeep,
we’ll take three…

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no, make that four
lunch specials

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and four desserts too.
We’ll be in that booth

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in the back corner.
[walking]

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GARETH: If I let
go of your arm,

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will you promise to stay long
enough to have lunch with us?

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TEESH: Wait… lunch?

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IZZY: It’s a meal usually
eaten around midday.

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But that’s not
important now.

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TEESH: Ha, ha.
Fine, if you want

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to feed me, I’m
not going to say no.

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GARETH: Good, ‘cause
holding onto your arm is

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killing mine. Henry always
made it look so easy when

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he was demonstrating how
to do a shoulder roll to

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bleed off momentum. Here,
looks like you could use the

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extra serving. My name
is Gareth, by the way,

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and the woman you stole
from is my friend, Izzy.

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TEESH: (with full mouth)
Teesh.

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IZZY: What?

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TEESH: Teesh…
that’s my name.

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IZZY: I’ve only visited
Saint Mareen a few times,

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but on each visit, I was
asked to donate to the

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local orphanages fund.
Why are you living on the

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street if they have several
orphanages in town?

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GARETH: It’s not always that
black and white, Izzy. Even

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in the good orphanages like
the one I was in, things

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can get pretty bad. The staff
can only be so many places

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at one time, and some of the
older kids exploit that fact.

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In the bad orphanages, it’s
usually better to live on the

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streets, so you don’t have to
worry about both the older

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kids and the adults who are
supposed to be protecting you.

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Places like Saint Mareen,
which have a high number

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of parentless refugees,
usually ends up with more

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of the bad type
than the good ones.

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TEESH: Gareth’s right.
Most of the orphanages

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in Saint Mareen are not
so secretly run by the

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Scaled Ones. The strong
children are taken away

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to be sold as slaves, while
the pretty ones are sold

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closer to home to local
brothels. Miss H’jarth

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had negotiated a contract to
sell me to a brothel that

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specialized in young girls.
Once I got too old to attract

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the sick bastards they call
customers, I was going to be

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resold to one of the Aetherium
mines the Scaled Ones run.

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[silverware bounces]
IZZY: Where is that bitch!

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Gareth, I’ll need your
help to move the body

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00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:27,330
back to the Glorious
Dawn. Don't worry,

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the others won’t mind
once I explain to them

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00:11:29,971 --> 00:11:32,863
why I strangled the bitch
with her own tongue.

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TEESH: It’s okay, Izzy.
Sit back down. Miss H’jarth

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died in a horrible
‘not-accident’

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involving a rabid camel, and
a barrel full of fireworks.

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IZZY: ...not-accident?

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TEESH: What else do you
call something that was

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totally on purpose?
[tavern music grows]

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TEESH: I don't 
remember the last time

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I ate that much.
Thanks, Gareth.

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If I really promise not to
try and steal it again,

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00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:08,912
can you tell me what’s
in the bag? Not right now.

224
00:12:08,912 --> 00:12:12,942
Let’s head back outside,
away from eavesdroppers.

225
00:12:12,942 --> 00:12:22,087
[walking, door opens,
walking]

226
00:12:22,087 --> 00:12:25,665
TEESH: Okay, this looks
pretty private. Will you

227
00:12:25,665 --> 00:12:29,341
please show me what’s
in the bag? I’m dying to

228
00:12:29,341 --> 00:12:31,575
know what’s so important
that Gareth would risk

229
00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:33,325
snapping his neck over.

230
00:12:33,325 --> 00:12:35,977
IZZY: These are
what’s so important.

231
00:12:35,977 --> 00:12:38,865
[choir of angels]

232
00:12:38,865 --> 00:12:41,422
TEESH: Seriously?
You almost killed

233
00:12:41,422 --> 00:12:44,155
yourself over a
bag of metal dolls?

234
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:48,799
GARETH: They’re metal
hero statues. See, this

235
00:12:48,799 --> 00:12:51,519
one has a sword you can remove,
and put back in it's hand.

236
00:12:51,519 --> 00:12:54,605
TEESH: They come with
accessories, and have moving

237
00:12:54,605 --> 00:12:58,495
arms and legs. I’m pretty
sure that makes them dolls.

238
00:12:58,495 --> 00:13:02,015
GARETH: These hero statues
are made out of something

239
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:05,500
that looks like silver, but isn’t.
They were also made

240
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,162
sometime before the
Second Great Apocalypse.

241
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,386
TEESH: Wow. Okay, risking
an early trip to the

242
00:13:11,386 --> 00:13:13,559
undertaker makes
more sense now.

243
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,496
Where were you planning on
offloading a haul like that?

244
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:21,160
IZZY: Well, before you
interrupted us, we were

245
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,262
headed to the bazaar to
find a merchant who sells

246
00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,431
similar stuff, and offer to 
sell the figurines to them.

247
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:29,285
TEESH: Really, that
was your plan?

248
00:13:29,285 --> 00:13:31,285
IZZY: What’s
wrong with my plan?

249
00:13:31,285 --> 00:13:33,980
TEESH: Nothing, except
for the fact that the market

250
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:37,438
is for regular people, not
the fat pockets who collect

251
00:13:37,438 --> 00:13:42,001
rare, ancient junk. Gareth,
I expected more from a

252
00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:44,229
fellow orphanage survivor.

253
00:13:44,229 --> 00:13:47,076
GARETH: I was about to explain
why her plan wouldn’t work,

254
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,001
when a short thief who
likes to dress up like

255
00:13:50,001 --> 00:13:51,609
a dwarf complicated things.

256
00:13:51,609 --> 00:13:54,765
TEESH: I just haven’t
hit a growth spurt yet!

257
00:13:54,765 --> 00:13:58,089
IZZY: Alright Professor,
if my plan was such

258
00:13:58,089 --> 00:14:00,566
rubbish, how about
you tell me yours?

259
00:14:00,566 --> 00:14:03,246
GARETH: I was just going
to go to the local university,

260
00:14:03,246 --> 00:14:04,867
and talk to some of the
archaeologists.

261
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:08,029
they usually get paid for digs
by a small share of the items

262
00:14:08,029 --> 00:14:10,662
removed, they would know
which wealthy citizens

263
00:14:10,662 --> 00:14:12,553
would be interested in
acquiring what we found.

264
00:14:12,553 --> 00:14:17,004
TEESH: Not bad, but you
probably won’t get a very

265
00:14:17,004 --> 00:14:19,223
good price trying to
sell the metal dolls…

266
00:14:19,223 --> 00:14:23,460
GARETH: Metal hero figures.

267
00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:27,163
TEESH: Like I said,
metal dolls. If you try

268
00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:30,290
to sell all of them to the
same buyer, they will think

269
00:14:30,290 --> 00:14:33,416
they can get a bulk discount.
If you take the time to sell

270
00:14:33,416 --> 00:14:36,399
them to multiple buyers, they
will know that what they are

271
00:14:36,399 --> 00:14:39,547
getting isn’t unique, and
won’t offer you as much money.

272
00:14:39,547 --> 00:14:44,002
IZZY: We should hire you to
do all of our cargo negotiations.

273
00:14:44,002 --> 00:14:46,485
I take it you have
a third option?

274
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:49,504
TEESH: Of course. You just
need a good fence who will

275
00:14:49,504 --> 00:14:52,297
buy your loot, and then
string along the fat pockets

276
00:14:52,297 --> 00:14:55,004
until they pay four times
what he gave you.

277
00:14:55,004 --> 00:14:59,569
Follow me, I’ll introduce you
to the fence I usually use.

278
00:14:59,569 --> 00:15:01,668
He’s always been fair to me.

279
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,185
GARETH: Your call, Izzy.
You and Elizabeth have

280
00:15:04,185 --> 00:15:07,097
the larger share, so
you have more at stake.

281
00:15:07,097 --> 00:15:09,237
IZZY: We’re trusting you,
Teesh.

282
00:15:09,237 --> 00:15:11,504
Please don’t make
us regret this.

283
00:15:11,504 --> 00:15:14,934
TEESH: Don’t worry, my
fence is one of the only ones

284
00:15:14,934 --> 00:15:18,001
I know that always
treats his suppliers fairly.

285
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:23,838
[scene change music]

286
00:15:23,838 --> 00:15:30,420
GARETH: Teesh, I hate to
say this, but it looks like

287
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:32,681
the church shut down since
the last time you were here.

288
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:36,144
IZZY: I’m pretty sure this
creepy, old church was

289
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,320
shut down before
she was born. Hells,

290
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,381
it was probably shut
own before I was born.

291
00:15:42,381 --> 00:15:45,455
TEESH: It’s not like
Yanlith can open up a

292
00:15:45,455 --> 00:15:48,904
stall in the bazaar. Can you
think of a better hideout?

293
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:52,353
GARETH: She's got a
point. Lead on, Teesh.

294
00:15:52,353 --> 00:16:00,377
[walking, door
creeks open]

295
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:03,965
IZZY: This is the part in a
penny dreadful where the

296
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:06,364
heroine gets captured
by a death cult.

297
00:16:06,364 --> 00:16:10,308
TEESH: You read that one too?
I got my copy after someone

298
00:16:10,308 --> 00:16:13,514
threw it out. After reading
the ending, I tossed it back

299
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:17,837
into the trash. I mean really,
the heroine ends up with the

300
00:16:17,837 --> 00:16:20,505
‘reformed’ head priest,
instead of the man from

301
00:16:20,505 --> 00:16:22,853
her village who loved
her since they were kids.

302
00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:26,935
IZZY: I know, right. She
totally ignored how

303
00:16:26,935 --> 00:16:29,755
he risked his life to
rescue her from the cult.

304
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:32,355
It must have been
written by a man.

305
00:16:32,355 --> 00:16:35,039
GARETH: It sounds like
they're speaking in trade,

306
00:16:35,039 --> 00:16:37,903
but I have no idea
what they’re saying.

307
00:16:37,903 --> 00:16:41,987
IZZY: Ha, ha,
TEESH: Boys.

308
00:16:41,987 --> 00:16:44,785
GARETH: Coming back
to why we’re here,

309
00:16:44,785 --> 00:16:47,262
I don’t see anyone
else in the church.

310
00:16:47,262 --> 00:16:50,872
TEESH: That’s because
even though Yanlith owns

311
00:16:50,872 --> 00:16:54,121
this property, it isn’t where
he actually does business.

312
00:16:54,121 --> 00:16:57,356
IZZY: Then why did
you bring us here?

313
00:16:57,356 --> 00:17:00,598
TEESH: Izzy, push up
the torch bracket

314
00:17:00,598 --> 00:17:01,836
you’re standing under.

315
00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:07,446
IZZY: Okay.
[bracket pull, chains moving]

316
00:17:07,446 --> 00:17:12,340
TEESH: This is my
favorite part. Now watch

317
00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:15,932
as I, a little girl,
move this solid

318
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:19,308
stone altar with
only two fingers.

319
00:17:19,308 --> 00:17:24,384
[stone sliding]

320
00:17:24,384 --> 00:17:27,686
Thank you, thank you.
If you enjoyed the

321
00:17:27,686 --> 00:17:31,790
performance, please leave
a donation in the hat.

322
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:34,646
IZZY: I’ll admit, that’s
a pretty neat trick.

323
00:17:34,646 --> 00:17:35,892
How’d you do it.

324
00:17:35,892 --> 00:17:38,873
TEESH: Yanlith said it’s
done using counterweights,

325
00:17:38,873 --> 00:17:43,071
and a bunch of other stuff I
tuned out because I got bored.

326
00:17:43,071 --> 00:17:46,658
Hold on a minute, and I’ll
turn on the lights in the shaft.

327
00:17:46,658 --> 00:17:56,176
[footsteps, lights
turning on]

328
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:59,708
GARETH: That is a really
deep hole in the ground.

329
00:17:59,708 --> 00:18:02,759
TEESH: It’s only
ten stories down.

330
00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:05,527
GARETH: I stand by
my earlier statement.

331
00:18:05,527 --> 00:18:07,028
TEESH: The sooner
we climb down the ladder,

332
00:18:07,028 --> 00:18:09,029
the sooner you get to
sell your metal dolls.

333
00:18:09,029 --> 00:18:17,375
GARETH: Metal hero figures.
TEESH: Whatever, I’ll go first.

334
00:18:17,375 --> 00:18:22,782
Hey Izzy, try not to fall
on me. You’re kinda heavy.

335
00:18:22,782 --> 00:18:27,050
IZZY: I might be heavy,
but at least I have boobs.

336
00:18:27,050 --> 00:18:30,288
TEESH: Like I said, I haven’t
 had a growth spurt yet.

337
00:18:30,288 --> 00:18:36,621
[scene change music]

338
00:18:36,621 --> 00:18:40,231
GARETH: I’m not sure which
is cramping more, my hands

339
00:18:40,231 --> 00:18:44,191
or my thighs from that climb.
I am not looking forward to

340
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,918
going back up that way.
TEESH: As long as you make

341
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:49,580
a good deal with my fence,
he should let you use his

342
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:51,660
back door to get
up to the surface.

343
00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:54,020
IZZY: If that’s not an
incentive to make

344
00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:57,579
some bargaining concessions,
I don’t know what is.

345
00:18:57,579 --> 00:19:00,618
TEESH: Follow me, his
front door is down this way.

346
00:19:00,618 --> 00:19:05,360
[walking]
TEESH: Here we are.

347
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:11,379
[knocks on door]
I guess Yanlith is out on an errand.

348
00:19:11,379 --> 00:19:13,852
We’ll just have to wait
here until he gets back.

349
00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:15,873
IZZY: How long
should we wait?

350
00:19:15,873 --> 00:19:19,689
TEESH: Until Yanlith
gets back, or you’re ready

351
00:19:19,689 --> 00:19:23,652
to climb back up that ladder.
IZZY: Wait it is.

352
00:19:23,652 --> 00:19:28,677
GARETH: Based on the runes
carved into the stone around

353
00:19:28,677 --> 00:19:31,537
the door, I would have to date
these tunnels to sometime

354
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,413
during the Fourth
Ironbeard Dynasty.

355
00:19:33,413 --> 00:19:35,829
TEESH: He’s speaking
trade, but I have no

356
00:19:35,829 --> 00:19:38,527
idea what he’s
talking about.

357
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:42,278
YANLITH: You would,
if you paid more attention

358
00:19:42,278 --> 00:19:45,462
to your studies, missy.
I’m impressed, lad.

359
00:19:45,462 --> 00:19:48,725
Most humans who can read
our language aren’t able to

360
00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:51,510
see the subtleties in the
runes that mark which

361
00:19:51,510 --> 00:19:52,988
dynasty they
came from.

362
00:19:52,988 --> 00:19:55,429
GARETH: I’m a linguist
that specializes in ancient

363
00:19:55,429 --> 00:19:59,123
languages, and I was
adopted by Dwarf.

364
00:19:59,123 --> 00:20:01,041
YANLITH: Yep, that
would do it.

365
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:04,713
IZZY: Nice suit. I would
think you were a well

366
00:20:04,713 --> 00:20:07,006
to do business man if
I saw you on the street.

367
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:11,750
YANLITH: Once I tried
wearing a shirt embroidered

368
00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:16,158
with ‘I deal in stolen goods’,
and walked around the bazaar.

369
00:20:16,158 --> 00:20:19,471
While I got several new
customers, I was also

370
00:20:19,471 --> 00:20:23,811
harassed by the City Guard.
So, what has my favorite

371
00:20:23,811 --> 00:20:26,872
street urchin brought
me today? Or should

372
00:20:26,872 --> 00:20:30,212
I ask who she
has brought me?

373
00:20:30,212 --> 00:20:32,249
GARETH: My name is
Professor Gareth Mintel,

374
00:20:32,249 --> 00:20:35,393
and this is my friend,
Izzy Morgana. Teesh

375
00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:37,417
has led us to believe
that you might be interested

376
00:20:37,417 --> 00:20:39,978
in acquiring some pre-Second
Great Apocalypse artifacts.

377
00:20:39,978 --> 00:20:44,239
YANLITH: She did, did she?
Smart lass, that one. Come in,

378
00:20:44,239 --> 00:20:47,060
let’s head inside, and see
what kind of deal we can make.

379
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:50,691
GARETH: Ouch
IZZY: Gareth, we need 

380
00:20:50,691 --> 00:20:53,349
to have Tralnis take a look
at your shoulder. I’m worried

381
00:20:53,349 --> 00:20:55,167
you might have
torn something.

382
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:57,889
YANLITH: You said Tralnis,
lass. You wouldn’t happen

383
00:20:57,889 --> 00:21:01,671
to be speaking of Dr.Tralnis
Granitestaff would you now?

384
00:21:01,671 --> 00:21:04,951
IZZY: Well, yes.
How do you know him?

385
00:21:04,951 --> 00:21:09,653
YANLITH: My name is Yanlith
Granitestaff. I’m Tralnis’ younger,

386
00:21:09,653 --> 00:21:12,084
and much better-
looking cousin.

387
00:21:12,084 --> 00:21:15,060
GARETH: Tralnis is the one who
adopted, and then raised me.

388
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:18,491
YANLITH: Well, shite.
There goes me fleecing

389
00:21:18,491 --> 00:21:22,388
you, Dwarves never
take advantage of family.

390
00:21:22,388 --> 00:21:27,442
IZZY: Teesh, you told us we 
could trust Yanlith to be fair.

391
00:21:27,442 --> 00:21:30,421
YANLITH: Yep, Teesh is
definitely a smart one.

392
00:21:30,421 --> 00:21:32,596
She probably also forgot
to mention that she gets

393
00:21:32,596 --> 00:21:36,085
a finder’s fee for every
person she brings me.

394
00:21:36,085 --> 00:21:38,085
TEESH: Hey,
a girl’s gotta eat.

395
00:21:38,085 --> 00:21:42,603
YANLITH: Speaking of which,
it’s just about tea time. Let me

396
00:21:42,603 --> 00:21:46,218
unlock the door, and we can
discuss business over a meal.

397
00:21:46,218 --> 00:21:53,300
[lock click, frightened chicken]

398
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:57,866
YANLITH: Don’t ask.
Have a seat you lot.

399
00:21:57,866 --> 00:22:04,293
Tell me, Gareth, how is
that old sawbones these days?

400
00:22:04,293 --> 00:22:07,821
GARETH: Right now…I would
guess he’s drunk, and trying

401
00:22:07,821 --> 00:22:10,323
to seduce as many people
as he can fit into his rented

402
00:22:10,323 --> 00:22:12,792
bed at the inn next
to the airship port.

403
00:22:12,792 --> 00:22:17,159
YANLITH: Ah, or as we Dwarves
would call it, a normal Tuesday.

404
00:22:17,159 --> 00:22:20,077
Let’s take care of business
quickly so I can get pissed with

405
00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:24,668
family. Did Tralnis ever
perfect that formula for the

406
00:22:24,668 --> 00:22:27,194
instant sobriety potion 
he was working on?

407
00:22:27,194 --> 00:22:30,916
I could make a fortune selling
those on the open market.

408
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:34,472
GARETH: It works fine.
The only problem is that

409
00:22:34,472 --> 00:22:36,083
it tastes worse
than his cooking.

410
00:22:36,083 --> 00:22:39,424
YANLITH: Lad, I think you
might be exaggerating there

411
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:42,906
just a wee bit. You see,
Tralnis and I shared a flat

412
00:22:42,906 --> 00:22:45,864
after he left that septet
commune he lived in.

413
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:49,043
While technically
what Tralnis did could be

414
00:22:49,043 --> 00:22:51,582
called cooking, I always
thought of it as a crime

415
00:22:51,582 --> 00:22:55,102
against nature, and all that
is good in the world.

416
00:22:55,102 --> 00:22:58,112
IZZY: Come on, he
can’t be that bad.

417
00:22:58,112 --> 00:23:01,332
YANLITH: Lass, when we
shared that flat, Tralnis had

418
00:23:01,332 --> 00:23:05,915
a rat terrier as a pet. I swear,
we had the only dog on

419
00:23:05,915 --> 00:23:09,284
Hadronus that didn’t lick its
balls just because it could.

420
00:23:09,284 --> 00:23:11,246
Ours was trying to
get the taste of the

421
00:23:11,246 --> 00:23:14,681
table scraps out of its mouth.
Seriously Gareth,

422
00:23:14,681 --> 00:23:17,557
does it really taste
like his cooking?

423
00:23:17,557 --> 00:23:20,135
GARETH: Yes, yes it does.

424
00:23:20,135 --> 00:23:24,152
YANLITH: Damn… maybe I won’t
be able to sell it after all.

425
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:28,144
Well, back to the matter
at hand. I would offer you

426
00:23:28,144 --> 00:23:32,563
lot some tea, but my stomach
is suddenly off. Teesh, I know

427
00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:35,583
nothing puts you off of your
appetite the biscuits are

428
00:23:35,583 --> 00:23:38,368
where I usually keep them.
TEESH: Yes!

429
00:23:38,368 --> 00:23:43,157
YANLITH: Let’s see
what you brought me.

430
00:23:43,157 --> 00:23:47,052
GARETH: We recovered twelve of
these on a recent expedition.

431
00:23:47,052 --> 00:23:51,720
YANLITH: Let me see
one of those. Hmm, yep…

432
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:56,354
perfect condition. This is
going to be a tough decision.

433
00:23:56,354 --> 00:23:58,622
IZZY: Whether or not to
buy them from us?

434
00:23:58,622 --> 00:24:03,282
YANLITH: No, of course not. I
meant who to sell these to.

435
00:24:03,282 --> 00:24:07,108
There’s no doubt that these are
pre-Second Great Apocalypse,

436
00:24:07,108 --> 00:24:11,221
and will fetch handsome prices
with collectors. I also have some

437
00:24:11,221 --> 00:24:13,787
metallurgist friends who
would pay a pretty penny

438
00:24:13,787 --> 00:24:17,379
to get their hands on these.
Perhaps I should let both

439
00:24:17,379 --> 00:24:20,546
sides see one of the figurines
so I can start a bidding war.

440
00:24:20,546 --> 00:24:24,023
Tell you what, I’ll buy the
lot of these for a thousand

441
00:24:24,023 --> 00:24:26,056
IRD marks apiece.

442
00:24:26,056 --> 00:24:27,352
GARETH IZZY: We’ll take it!

443
00:24:27,352 --> 00:24:31,074
YANLITH: Good! Now let’s
go find my cousin, so those

444
00:24:31,074 --> 00:24:34,894
of us who are of legal age,
can get drunk off our arses!

445
00:24:34,894 --> 00:24:40,741
[scene change music]

446
00:24:40,741 --> 00:24:47,394
[kitchen noises]

447
00:24:47,394 --> 00:24:49,341
GARETH: (thinking) I still
can’t get over the fact that

448
00:24:49,341 --> 00:24:51,813
Henry ended up making
friends with the skull from the

449
00:24:51,813 --> 00:24:54,201
underwater temple. It’s
amazing how much

450
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,598
they can communicate with
Chompers only being able to

451
00:24:56,598 --> 00:25:00,314
do one clack for yes,
and two for no. Henry even

452
00:25:00,314 --> 00:25:03,472
used Izzy’s workshop to put
metal caps on Chomper’s teeth,

453
00:25:03,472 --> 00:25:06,799
so the skull could help him
out in the galley. Now Henry

454
00:25:06,799 --> 00:25:08,678
only has to use one hand
to chop things.

455
00:25:08,678 --> 00:25:15,377
[kitchen noises]

456
00:25:15,377 --> 00:25:19,483
GARETH: (thinking) Oo, Henry
just peeled some pig-nuts.

457
00:25:19,483 --> 00:25:21,727
I think I’ll snatch one while
they're both distracted.

458
00:25:21,727 --> 00:25:23,637
[slap]
GARETH: Ouch!

459
00:25:23,637 --> 00:25:26,018
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
I’m cutting you off, Gareth.

460
00:25:26,018 --> 00:25:28,656
You’ve had way too many
in the last couple days.

461
00:25:28,656 --> 00:25:32,620
GARETH: What do you mean?
I haven’t had any pig-nuts

462
00:25:32,620 --> 00:25:35,314
in a week. Why do
you think it was me?

463
00:25:35,314 --> 00:25:37,842
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
You’re the only one on the

464
00:25:37,842 --> 00:25:39,587
ship who can eat them raw.

465
00:25:39,587 --> 00:25:43,707
If it wasn’t you, we
might have a problem.

466
00:25:43,707 --> 00:25:46,649
GARETH: I
think you’re right.

467
00:25:46,649 --> 00:25:52,410
[scene change music]

468
00:25:52,410 --> 00:25:55,776
ELIZABETH: Alright everybody,
we have searched the rest of

469
00:25:55,776 --> 00:25:58,556
the ship. If we have a
stowaway, like Henry

470
00:25:58,556 --> 00:26:01,333
and the Professor suggest,
they would have to be hiding

471
00:26:01,333 --> 00:26:05,615
in here. Sheldon, Izzy,
Tralnis, I want you three

472
00:26:05,615 --> 00:26:07,446
to search the port
side. The Professor,

473
00:26:07,446 --> 00:26:09,529
Henry, and I will
search starboard.

474
00:26:09,529 --> 00:26:13,998
[walking]

475
00:26:13,998 --> 00:26:16,694
GARETH: (thinking) I guess
it was a false alarm, no one

476
00:26:16,694 --> 00:26:21,664
over here either. Wait just a 
tick, somethings off with

477
00:26:21,664 --> 00:26:26,335
this row of crates.
[walking]

478
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:30,856
With this crate, all of the nails
in the lid except one

479
00:26:30,856 --> 00:26:33,846
have been removed. 
That one nail makes a really

480
00:26:33,846 --> 00:26:38,068
good pivot point. Given the
relatively small size of the crate,

481
00:26:38,068 --> 00:26:41,871
I have a sinking feeling that
I know who our stowaway is.

482
00:26:41,871 --> 00:26:49,417
TEESH: Uh… hi, Gareth.
Fancy meeting you here.

483
00:26:49,417 --> 00:26:55,315
Okay, even I thought that
sounded lame. What gave me away?

484
00:26:55,315 --> 00:26:58,668
GARETH: A couple things.
I saw this crate is slightly off

485
00:26:58,668 --> 00:27:01,337
kilter from the ones next
to it. Had this airship’s

486
00:27:01,337 --> 00:27:04,420
cargo master been a human,
I wouldn’t have thought anything of it.

487
00:27:04,420 --> 00:27:08,671
but our cargo master is
an Ur, an entire species

488
00:27:08,671 --> 00:27:12,035
that suffers from obsessive
compulsive disorder. Sheldon

489
00:27:12,035 --> 00:27:14,010
would have made sure the
edges of this create

490
00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:17,919
lined up wit the ones next
to it. Also, other than you, 

491
00:27:17,919 --> 00:27:21,037
I'm the only other person on the
ship who likes raw pignuts.

492
00:27:21,037 --> 00:27:24,513
TEESH: Are you serious?
GARETH: Yep.

493
00:27:24,513 --> 00:27:26,524
TEESH: What a
bunch of weirdos.

494
00:27:26,524 --> 00:27:31,353
GARETH: I agree completely.
Why ruin a perfectly good

495
00:27:31,353 --> 00:27:35,633
pignut by cooking it? It's kinda
like when they make pickles.

496
00:27:35,633 --> 00:27:40,124
You know, when they drown
a perfectly good cucumber in evil.

497
00:27:40,124 --> 00:27:43,005
Enough about how weird
other people’s tastes are.

498
00:27:43,005 --> 00:27:46,186
Give me your hand,
and I’ll help you out.

499
00:27:46,186 --> 00:27:51,780
TEESH: Thanks, getting
in is easy, out’s a lot harder.

500
00:27:51,780 --> 00:27:56,935
GARETH: Izzy,
I found our stowaway.

501
00:27:56,935 --> 00:28:02,981
[walking]
IZZY: I should have known.

502
00:28:02,981 --> 00:28:07,606
TEESH: Don’t be too hard
on yourself, Izzy. Common

503
00:28:07,606 --> 00:28:12,208
sense isn’t always your
strong suit. Did you just

504
00:28:12,208 --> 00:28:13,925
stick your tongue
out at me?

505
00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:16,964
IZZY: Maybe.
TEESH: [yelp of terror]

506
00:28:16,964 --> 00:28:19,316
ELIZABETH: Would either
of you two like to explain

507
00:28:19,316 --> 00:28:21,264
what in the hells
is going on here?!

508
00:28:21,264 --> 00:28:25,182
IZZY: Captain Elizabeth
Morgana, I would like to

509
00:28:25,182 --> 00:28:28,414
introduce you to Teesh…
TEESH: It’s just Teesh.

510
00:28:28,414 --> 00:28:32,004
No family, so no last name.

511
00:28:32,004 --> 00:28:37,061
ELIZABETH: Be that as it
may, she is still a stowaway,

512
00:28:37,061 --> 00:28:39,863
and trade law is very
clear on what to do with

513
00:28:39,863 --> 00:28:43,433
them. Since she is a child,
I’ll have Pilot lower the ship

514
00:28:43,433 --> 00:28:45,979
to only a hundred feet or so
above the water before I toss

515
00:28:45,979 --> 00:28:49,668
the little 
street rat overboard.

516
00:28:49,668 --> 00:28:51,525
If you insist 
on going through with

517
00:28:51,525 --> 00:28:55,257
tossing Teesh overboard, 
I’ll call for a crew’s vote.

518
00:28:55,257 --> 00:28:58,690
You know how 
Roehus feel about children.

519
00:28:58,716 --> 00:29:02,922
Besides, it’s not like 
we can’t put her to work. 

520
00:29:02,922 --> 00:29:05,619
Every airship
needs a good cabin boy.

521
00:29:05,619 --> 00:29:09,244
ELIZABETH: Two problems
with that. The first is, I have

522
00:29:09,244 --> 00:29:13,267
never wanted a cabin boy.
The second is, she can’t

523
00:29:13,267 --> 00:29:16,021
be a cabin boy
- she’s a girl.

524
00:29:16,021 --> 00:29:18,788
TEESH: So are you!
But that doesn’t keep

525
00:29:18,788 --> 00:29:21,864
you from being a dick!
IZZY: [snicker]

526
00:29:21,864 --> 00:29:24,789
ELIZABETH: Until she pulls
her own weight on this airship,

527
00:29:24,789 --> 00:29:27,591
cost of her upkeep comes
out of your share of the profits,

528
00:29:27,591 --> 00:29:32,193
Issadora. You will be expected
to feed her, water her, and make

529
00:29:32,193 --> 00:29:35,607
sure she gets plenty
of exercise. Any accidents

530
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,469
will be your responsibility
to clean up.

531
00:29:38,469 --> 00:29:41,573
TEESH: I’m not
some bloody pet!

532
00:29:41,573 --> 00:29:42,903
ELIZABETH: Prove it.

533
00:29:42,903 --> 00:29:47,857
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Talk about grumpy. I’ll have to

534
00:29:47,857 --> 00:29:51,411
make sure Elizabeth gets more
fiber in her diet from now on.

535
00:29:51,411 --> 00:29:54,419
TEESH: MR.
FUZZY BOTTOM!!!

536
00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:57,571
[running]
HENRY: Oof!

537
00:29:57,571 --> 00:30:03,094
TEESH: I’m… I’m sorry.
Before my village was

538
00:30:03,094 --> 00:30:07,248
destroyed, and my parents
killed, I had a stuffed Chim

539
00:30:07,248 --> 00:30:10,882
doll that looked just like
you. I would cuddle with

540
00:30:10,882 --> 00:30:15,688
it whenever I got frightened,
and he would watch over me.

541
00:30:15,688 --> 00:30:21,989
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
I’ve got you.

542
00:30:21,989 --> 00:30:29,132
Mr. Fuzzy Bottom will always
keep an eye on you.

543
00:30:29,132 --> 00:30:35,175
[outro music]

544
00:30:35,175 --> 00:30:38,575
This has been
Gareth and the Lost Island.

545
00:30:38,575 --> 00:30:40,652
Episode 6

546
00:30:40,652 --> 00:30:41,956
Starring:

547
00:30:41,956 --> 00:30:45,389
Peter McGiffen as
the Narrator,

548
00:30:45,389 --> 00:30:49,075
Henry’s translator,
and Yanlith Granitestaff

549
00:30:49,075 --> 00:30:52,436
Allen Pettey as
Tralnis Granitestaff

550
00:30:52,436 --> 00:30:56,018
Patrick Mallard as
Gareth Mintel

551
00:30:56,018 --> 00:30:59,666
Debra Mallard as
Izzy Morgana

552
00:30:59,666 --> 00:31:03,862
Lauren Kong as
Elizabeth Morgana

553
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:07,567
and Jenna Oliver as
Teesh

554
00:31:07,567 --> 00:31:10,305
Like the listeners, the
cast and crew are also

555
00:31:10,305 --> 00:31:13,110
trying to figure out how
a non-accident involving

556
00:31:13,110 --> 00:31:16,631
a rabid camel and a barrel
full of fireworks would work.

557
00:31:16,631 --> 00:31:18,886
Gareth and the Lost Island
was written

558
00:31:18,886 --> 00:31:20,838
and directed
by Patrick Mallard.