Gareth and the Lost Island - A Fantasy Adventure Comedy Audio Drama Series
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[VDM Logo Music]
Quack-Quack Hiss
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NARRATOR: Venomous
Duck Media presents,
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Gareth and the Lost Island.
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Episode 7 -
The Jungles of Chimia - Part I
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Disclaimer: This audio drama
should be considered rated
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PG-3 for discussions
of sexual hijinks,
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drinking, consuming
questionable potions,
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brief moments of violence,
crude language,
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and even cruder humor.
Please use caution
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when listening in public, as this
story may cause audible laughter.
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Venomous Duck Media is not liable
for any strained abdominal muscles
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you may receive while listening,
or the strange looks you might
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get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more
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than four hours, seek
immediate medical attention.
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[Theme]
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GARETH: Good morning,
Tralnis, Henry.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Morning.
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TRALNIS: Good
morning to you too.
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I’m glad you decided to forgo
the teaching jacket like I did.
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It’s damn hot here in Chimea.
GARETH: Yeah. As Henry says,
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‘It’s as humid as a
Chim’s crotch in trousers.’
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
I keep telling you, kilts are
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the proper bottoms for men.
TRALNIS: What did he say?
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GARETH: He was just extolling
the virtues of kilts again.
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TRALNIS: Personally, I won’t
be switching any time soon.
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The boys are drooping so much
in this heat, my trousers
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are the only thing keeping
me from stepping on them.
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ELIZABETH: That’s an image
I could have gone without.
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IZZY: Although, that would
explain those weird tracks
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we saw in the dunes
of the Feckin Hoot
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desert last year. Oh,
I’m sorry, Tralnis.
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I hope I didn’t offend you
by talking about that desert.
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TRALNIS: No, I’m not
offended. Why would I be?
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GARETH: (snorts
with laughter)
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TRALNIS: Something
you want to share, Gareth?
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GARETH: Sorry, in the School
of Languages, the naming of
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that desert is used as an
example of why you should
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always double check your
sources, and that most
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humans are too lazy to
do so. Izzy, tell Tralnis
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why you thought
he would be offended.
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IZZY: The guide on our trip
said the desert was taboo
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to the Dwarves, so they
named it after the Dwarvish
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phrase for taboo,
Feckin Hoot.
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TRALNIS: What? That’s not
the word at all. Come to
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think of it, I’m not really
sure we have one.
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GARETH: When the Human
oilkm settlers got to that area,
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they found the Dwarves
already living under the
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mountains. The humans
asked the Dwarves if they
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could tell them about the
large desert to the West
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of them. The Dwarves told
them they couldn’t really
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say since they never ventured
more than a short way into it.
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When asked why they didn’t,
the Dwarf they were speaking
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with, who had a rather thick
Dwarvish brogue, replied,
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‘Because it’s feckin
hoot, that’s why!’
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That misunderstanding
led directly to another one.
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The early human language
scholars thought that Dwarves
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would avoid talking about
‘taboo’ subjects by saying,
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‘Each to their
own, I suppose.’
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ELIZABETH: I know I’ll
regret asking this, but
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why did they think that?
GARETH: The early scholars
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replaced ‘taboo’ with
‘feckin hoot’ when
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talking with Dwarves.
An example being,
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‘buggering sheep is feckin
hoot in our culture.’ To which
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the Dwarves always replied,
‘Each to their own, I suppose.’
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ELIZABETH: I was
right. I regret asking.
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TRALNIS: (chuckles)
I thought Izzy was coming
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with us. Captain, since
you’re wearing cotton
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trousers and a linen shirt
instead of your usual leathers,
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I’m guessing you’re switching
places with Izzy on this foray.
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GARETH: What happened,
Izzy, big sister ground you?
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IZZY: Actually, yes, that’s
exactly what happened.
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ELIZABETH: We may be part
owners in the Glorious Dawn,
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but I am still her captain.
I reserve the right to select
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which of my crew participates
in away teams. Now step back
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so I can open the railing and
toss the rope ladder over.
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[hinge creak,
rope unrolling]
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GARETH: So, who
wants to go first?
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Tralnis, Captain, I wouldn’t
look at Henry the way you are.
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He considers the
whole Chims love
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to climb thing as a
racist stereotype.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Damn right.
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GARETH: To keep the peace,
I’ll go first. When I get
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to the bottom, I’ll tie off
the ladder to make it
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easier for the rest of you.
[climbing]
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GARETH: Okay, you
can come down now.
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[climbing]
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[insect buzzing]
GARETH: T’shalk!
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TRALNIS: What
was that, Gareth?
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GARETH: It’s a Roehus
word that translates into
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‘atheist word to replace
taking religious messiah’s
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name in vain’. Considering
the size of that monster,
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I thought it was appropriate.
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TRALNIS: (chuckles)
If you think that wee bug
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was big, wait until you see
a monguito. Think mosquito,
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but ramped up to the size of
a robin. A swarm of those
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bastards can drain every
drop of blood in a person
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in less than a minute.
ELIZABETH: What were you
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saying earlier about mixing
up a bug repellent?
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TRALNIS: Henry, turn around so
I can get into the backpack.
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[rummaging in backpack]
TRALNIS: Here they are,
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one for each of us. All you
need to do is rub a liberal
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amount of the elixir
onto any exposed skin.
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[bottle pops]
ELIZABETH: Eewww!
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TRALNIS: I know it
smells a little off, but
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to a bug, this stuff
reeks like pure poison.
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GARETH: Tralnis, do all of your
potions come in nauseating colors?
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TRALNIS: Yes, now quit
whining and put it on.
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I don’t want to have
to treat any of you
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for blood loss, now,
or any time in the future.
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[scene change music]
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GARETH: We’re finally at the
coordinates from the second tablet.
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While it's not a pyramid,
I’m guessing that stone
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arch with the ramp
leading underground
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is what we’re
looking for.
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Hey, I know, let’s have the
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Dwarf go first into the mine.
GARETH: (snorts with laughter)
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TRALNIS: Don’t bother
to translate that. I’m pretty
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sure it was just as racist as
saying a Chim likes to climb.
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GARETH: I’ll go first again.
It’s my quest that has led us
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here after all. Just give me
a moment to align the light
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runes on this tube.
[twist and click]
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GARETH: Here we go.
[walking]
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TRALNIS: Odd, some of
this stonework looks
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Dwarvish. Be careful
everyone, my ancestors
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were a paranoid lot. There’s
likely to be all sorts
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of traps down here.
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GARETH: Hey look!
An Issian 50 gelt piece.
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[step, swish of
rotating blades]
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[Tralnis, Henry, and
Elizabeth gasp]
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GARETH: What? Do I have
something on my clothes?
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ELIZABETH: (quietly) Did…
did he just avoid being cut in
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half by bending over
to pick up a coin?
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
(quietly) Uh-huh.
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ELIZABETH: (quietly)
Should we tell him how
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close to death
he just came?
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TRALNIS: (quietly) No,
he would never believe
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us anyway. (normally)
Gareth lad, how about I take
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over going first, and look for
those traps I mentioned?
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[walking]
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TRALNIS: … and that’s another
trap. What was that - 25 or 30
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that we’ve found? I’ve lost count,
but I’m willing to bet we only
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have one more to
go in this tunnel.
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ELIZABETH: What makes you
think there’s only one trap left?
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TRALNIS: The tunnel ends
just ahead of us, and the
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floor is solid stone between
us and the doors blocking
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the way. I’m confident the
last trap is set into the
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doors themselves. We
Dwarves have always
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enjoyed seeing how the
traps built into doors
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dispatch intrders too
much to spoil things by
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setting any traps
right in front of them.
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ELIZABETH: Okay then,
no touching the doors.
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That goes double
for you, Professor.
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GARETH: Can I at least get
closer so I can see if there
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is some kind of clue
written on them?
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ELIZABETH: Fine, but look
with your eyes, not your hands.
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GARETH: Fine.
ELIZABETH: No touching!
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GARETH: I heard
you the first time.
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ELIZABETH: No
touchy-touchy!
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GARETH: I get it!
Okay, I don’t get it.
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TRALNIS: What
don’t you get?
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GARETH: Each door has 9
panels on them, with each
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panel depicting a person
doing some everyday task.
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The only writing is in that
ancient language. It reads,
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‘The key to open this door lies
in the center of cooperation.’
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TRALNIS: Well, this sucks
sweaty Centaur balls. I hate
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riddles! From your confused
expression, I’ll assume you
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haven’t had that particular
experience. Trust me, they
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00:09:52,536 --> 00:09:55,391
smell and taste
awful when sweaty.
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ELIZABETH: Professor,
please say anything to
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get that image
out of my head.
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GARETH: The pictures
on the panels must have
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something to do with the
riddle. Let’s see if there is
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anything the two center
panels have in common,
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or maybe there is
something in the
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center of each panel
that opens the doors.
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TRALNIS: While you do that,
I’ll check the tunnel walls.
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Sometimes my people set up
secret entrances, and leave
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00:10:20,215 --> 00:10:24,354
a door that goes nowhere
just to screw with people.
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00:10:24,354 --> 00:10:27,156
GARETH: Good idea,
Tralnis, thanks. Captain,
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Henry, help me look
over the doors again.
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TRALNIS: Gareth,
I think I may have
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found something, but what
it means, or if it has
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00:10:36,278 --> 00:10:40,002
anything to do with the
panels, I’m not sure.
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ELIZABETH: What
did you find?
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TRALNIS: I’ve found
three identical stones.
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Not similar, but identical.
The first one is here on the
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00:10:49,229 --> 00:10:53,162
wall close to the ground. The
second one is on the opposite
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00:10:53,162 --> 00:10:56,884
wall about shoulder height
for a human. The third one
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is in the ceiling just in
front of that air shaft.
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GARETH: Maybe the
placement of the stones
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means something in relation
to the center panels. The one
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00:11:07,531 --> 00:11:10,619
on the right shows a young
woman picking fruit in an
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00:11:10,619 --> 00:11:14,511
orchard. The other one
shows a chef in a kitchen.
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00:11:14,511 --> 00:11:19,721
Ohhh, I get it now!
The answer is food.
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00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:23,179
TRALNIS: Okay, you’ve
gone and lost me.
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00:11:23,179 --> 00:11:27,373
GARETH: Both center panels
each deal with food. The rune
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00:11:27,373 --> 00:11:30,973
for ‘food’ looks like a person
standing up straight next to a
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00:11:30,973 --> 00:11:33,683
person on their hands and
knees with a third person
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00:11:33,683 --> 00:11:35,798
standing on the
second persons back.
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00:11:35,798 --> 00:11:38,638
If I get down on all
fours, I can press the
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00:11:38,638 --> 00:911:42,210
lower stone. Elizabeth can
stand on my back, and press
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00:911:42,210 --> 00:11:44,822
the stone in the ceiling.
If Henry stretches
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00:11:44,822 --> 00:11:24,218
he can reach up and
press the last stone.
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00:11:24,218 --> 00:11:49,258
ELIZABETH: Henry,
has Gareth always been
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strangers with
common sense?
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[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Meh
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ELIZABETH: Doctor, you get
the bottom one, I’ll get the
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00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:57,583
shoulder height one, and
Henry, grab a hold of the
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00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,813
ledge on their shaft and
get the last stone. That
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00:12:00,813 --> 00:12:03,299
way no one has to
stand on anybody's back.
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[stone moving, chains
falling, doors opening
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00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:16,663
GARETH: That
works too, I suppose.
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00:12:16,663 --> 00:12:19,511
[walking]
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00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:21,613
GARETH: There’s another
altar just like the one in the
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00:12:21,613 --> 00:12:24,029
underwater temple and it
looks like there’s a clay
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00:12:24,029 --> 00:12:26,767
tablet on top of it. At least
it doesn’t look like there
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00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:28,383
are any skeletons
that we have to fight.
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00:12:28,383 --> 00:12:33,479
[doors slam shut]
ELIZABETH: Now what?!
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00:12:33,479 --> 00:12:38,416
TRALNIS: Gareth, what have I
told you about tempting fate?
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00:12:38,416 --> 00:12:40,117
GARETH: Don’t do it.
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00:12:40,117 --> 00:12:45,174
TRALNIS: Exactly! Henry, hand
me my family’s war hammer. You
223
00:12:45,174 --> 00:12:48,902
might want to get your frying
pan, “Mr. Smashy”, ready.
224
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:52,363
[ape noises] RANSLATOR:
Yes, sir! Mr. Smashy and the
225
00:12:52,363 --> 00:13:01,333
Nutcracker, coming right up.
[metal sound, stone sliding]
226
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:05,224
GARETH: Oh, there they
are. The skeletons were
227
00:13:05,224 --> 00:13:08,131
just each hiding behind one
of the six hidden doors
228
00:13:08,131 --> 00:13:11,773
sliding into the ground. That
last ones a bit weird though.
229
00:13:11,773 --> 00:13:13,966
I always thought
skeletons were people
230
00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:16,920
but that one’s
some kind of huge cat.
231
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:22,181
TRALNIS: Amazing, that’s the
skeleton of a Northern Sabercat.
232
00:13:22,181 --> 00:13:26,025
They’ve been extinct since the
Second Great Apocalypse.
233
00:13:26,025 --> 00:13:29,214
No one has ever found a
complete skeleton of one
234
00:13:29,214 --> 00:13:34,563
of them before. What? I’m
an amateur paleontologist.
235
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:36,542
ELIZABETH: I’m very happy for
you. Any suggestions on how to
236
00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:43,409
handle a cat that’s only
slightly smaller than a pony?
237
00:13:43,409 --> 00:13:46,305
TRALNIS: Depends,
anyone happen to have
238
00:13:46,305 --> 00:13:49,520
a bloody huge ball
of yarn with them?
239
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,069
ELIZABETH:Wonderful… I’m
going to be killed next to a
240
00:13:53,069 --> 00:13:56,751
comedian. Hopefully the
Professor's little black stick
241
00:13:56,751 --> 00:14:00,724
will be as effective on these
skeletons as the last ones.
242
00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:03,969
That’s the cue for you
to pull that toy of yours
243
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,977
out of the holster
you made for it.
244
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:09,525
GARETH: I’m
trying to! But it’s stuck!
245
00:14:09,525 --> 00:14:13,137
ELIZABETH: Idiot!
[skeletons running]
246
00:14:13,137 --> 00:14:18,441
TRALNIS: Bad kitty!
[Henry snarls]
247
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:23,758
GARETH: It’s moving, almost…
got… it. There! Whoa!
248
00:14:23,758 --> 00:14:25,065
[swish, metal clang,
body falling]
249
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,476
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Whoops!
250
00:14:26,476 --> 00:14:30,183
TRALNIS: Gareth! Which
of you bastards did that to
251
00:14:30,183 --> 00:14:37,450
my son?! Why are you skeletons
pointing at Henry? I see, you’re
252
00:14:37,450 --> 00:14:41,665
saying he’s next. Not
bloody likely! I’m going to…
253
00:14:41,665 --> 00:14:43,378
[yelp, tackle;
sliding across floor]
254
00:14:43,378 --> 00:14:46,300
TRALNIS: Damn it
cat! Leave me be!
255
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:49,496
ELIZABETH: (thinking) Okay,
Liz, remember all of those
256
00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:52,305
old timers you hung around
with as a kid a said
257
00:14:52,305 --> 00:14:55,335
the best way to deal with the
undead is to stop the brain
258
00:14:55,335 --> 00:14:59,438
from communicating with the
rest of the body. I know these
259
00:14:59,438 --> 00:15:02,816
skeletons technically don’t
have brains, but it should
260
00:15:02,816 --> 00:15:04,996
work the same,
shouldn’t it?
261
00:15:04,996 --> 00:15:07,130
[gun cocking,
gun shot]
262
00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:11,859
Oh, come on, that’s
dragonshit! I shot you,
263
00:15:11,859 --> 00:15:16,432
you should be dead.
Well, er, even more dead
264
00:15:16,432 --> 00:15:19,194
than you already are,
I guess. Is there even
265
00:15:19,194 --> 00:15:23,363
a word to describe that state?
Since you’re shrugging your
266
00:15:23,363 --> 00:15:26,652
moldy shoulders, I’m guessing
you don’t know either. Wait,
267
00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:32,630
what are you doing? Are you
picking your nose? You are,
268
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:36,607
aren’t you. Don’t you know
it’s impolite to pick your
269
00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:39,409
nose in public, besides, you
don’t even have one anymore.
270
00:15:39,409 --> 00:15:41,878
[scrape, bullet
drop on floor]
271
00:15:41,878 --> 00:15:44,747
ELIZABETH: Never mind, if
I had a bullet lodged in my
272
00:15:44,747 --> 00:15:48,258
sinuses, I would pick my nose
too. Here, let me holster my
273
00:15:48,258 --> 00:15:51,805
pistol, and we can shake to
show there’s no hard feelings.
274
00:15:51,805 --> 00:15:55,838
[step, clock winding noise,
bone breaking]
275
00:15:55,838 --> 00:15:58,086
ELIZABETH: For the record,
I never said anything about
276
00:15:58,086 --> 00:16:01,460
not punching while we shook
hands. Just like I never said I
277
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,008
wouldn’t stomp on your soon
to be deader than already
278
00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:06,146
dead skull rolling
around the floor.
279
00:16:06,146 --> 00:16:08,422
[stomp, bones falling apart]
280
00:16:08,422 --> 00:16:13,139
ELIZABETH: Still got it.
Okay, let’s try this again.
281
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,373
That skeleton fighting
with Henry isn’t paying
282
00:16:15,373 --> 00:16:19,105
attention. This time I’ll
aim for that weird, purple
283
00:16:19,105 --> 00:16:21,181
rune on the
back of its skull.
284
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,794
[cocking, gunshot,
crack, bones fall apart]
285
00:16:23,794 --> 00:16:29,556
ELIZABETH: Oh yeah, who’s your
mommy? Who’s your mommy?!
286
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,861
[cricket]
287
00:16:31,861 --> 00:16:34,640
ELIZABETH: Why is
everyone staring at me?
288
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,666
Can we just all pretend I
never said that? Anyway,
289
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:41,136
Henry, Doctor, break the
purple rune on their
290
00:16:41,136 --> 00:16:44,061
skulls, it must be what
keeps them together!
291
00:16:44,061 --> 00:16:45,910
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Sure, why not?
292
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:48,306
[metal smash,
bone crack, bones falling]
293
00:16:48,306 --> 00:16:51,901
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Who’s
your monkey? Who’s your monkey?!
294
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:53,182
TRALNIS: (grunt)
295
00:16:53,182 --> 00:16:55,274
[smack magic sound,
bones falling apart]
296
00:16:55,274 --> 00:16:57,953
TRALNIS: Knocking them
into the altar works too!
297
00:16:57,953 --> 00:17:00,685
[gunshot, crack,
bones falling apart]
298
00:17:00,685 --> 00:17:05,768
TRALNIS: Henry! One
of them snuck past you,
299
00:17:05,768 --> 00:17:07,591
and is headed
towards Gareth!
300
00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:10,465
HENRY: (howl of rage)
301
00:17:10,465 --> 00:17:12,973
[bones rattling,magic noise
bones falling apart]
302
00:17:12,973 --> 00:17:15,544
ELIZABETH: Is that all of them?
TRALNIS: I think so.
303
00:17:15,544 --> 00:17:20,767
GARETH: Oh, my
head. What’d I miss?
304
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:26,890
[scene change music]
305
00:17:26,890 --> 00:17:29,105
GARETH: Thanks for the
headache potion, Tralnis.
306
00:17:29,105 --> 00:17:32,377
TRALNIS: Think nothing
of it, lad. I’m just glad you
307
00:17:32,377 --> 00:17:34,773
weren’t hurt worse.
Let me know if you
308
00:17:34,773 --> 00:17:38,114
get dizzy again, or have
sudden loss of vision.
309
00:17:38,114 --> 00:17:40,037
GARETH: Well… I’m not
having any problems with
310
00:17:40,037 --> 00:17:42,981
my eyes, but there’s a weird
buzzing in my ears that
311
00:17:42,981 --> 00:17:44:221
keeps getting louder.
312
00:17:44:221 --> 00:17:48,920
TRALNIS: Buzzing? Oh, shite!
Monguitos! Run!
313
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,786
[running]
314
00:17:50,786 --> 00:17:53,501
GARETH: I thought you
said they were the size
315
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:56,932
of Robins? These things
are the size of pigeons!
316
00:17:56,932 --> 00:18:00,209
TRALNIS: We seem to have
discovered a new species.
317
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:04,090
If we live through this, I’ll see
about naming them after you.
318
00:18:04,090 --> 00:18:08,548
HENRY: (snarl)
[swish, metal strike, squish]
319
00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:14,015
GARETH: … Carry the 4 and
divide by the sine of…
320
00:18:14,015 --> 00:18:16,280
ELIZABETH: What are
you babbling about?
321
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:20,105
GARETH: I’m trying to do
complex magical calculations
322
00:18:20,105 --> 00:18:22,835
in my head while running.
323
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:26,842
You three keep going.
I'll buy us some time.
324
00:18:26,842 --> 00:18:30,740
TRALNIS: Don’t stop running,
Gareth! The lawyers… I mean
325
00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:34,399
blood sucking bastards
are almost on top of you!
326
00:18:34,399 --> 00:18:36,279
GARETH: Unholy Winds!
327
00:18:36,279 --> 00:18:42,547
TRALNIS: Oh… yeah, not going
to finish that phrase. Run faster
328
00:18:42,547 --> 00:18:46,460
you two! Trust me when I tell
you that you don’t want to be
329
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:50,066
caught up in the magic blast
Gareth is going to unleash!
330
00:18:50,066 --> 00:18:57,388
[buzzing]
GARETH: Ta’shennish!
331
00:18:57,388 --> 00:19:03,703
[high pitched farts]
332
00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:07,715
GARETH: Oh no! That cute
little green tailed lemur is
333
00:19:07,715 --> 00:19:09,963
about to be pounced
on by that tree cat.
334
00:19:09,963 --> 00:19:22,541
[wet fart, angry
hiss, fall into bush]
335
00:19:22,541 --> 00:19:30,087
GARETH: Oops. I forgot
to factor in all the
336
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:33,798
animals surrounding me
again, and there’s a lot of
337
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,465
animals in a rainforest.
[more farts]
338
00:19:36,465 --> 00:19:37,995
GARETH: I’ve got
to get out of here!
339
00:19:37,995 --> 00:19:52,430
GARETH: I think we
can slow down now.
340
00:19:52,430 --> 00:19:56,679
ELIZABETH: That cloud…
those noises… no man
341
00:19:56,679 --> 00:20:03,652
should have that
power. Why are
342
00:20:03,652 --> 00:20:06,086
you stopping, Henry?
We have to get back to
343
00:20:06,086 --> 00:20:08,958
the ship, and get out of
this accursed jungle!
344
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:12,249
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
It should be right here.
345
00:20:12,249 --> 00:20:15,492
I remember that tree.
GARETH: He said he
346
00:20:15,492 --> 00:20:18,062
swears this is where we
came to ground. He
347
00:20:18,062 --> 00:20:20,708
remembers us climbing
down by that tree over there.
348
00:20:20,708 --> 00:20:22,847
ELIZABETH: Obviously
you got turned around
349
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,963
somewhere,and managed
to get us lost, Henry!
350
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,978
TRALNIS: I don’t think so.
351
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:30,213
ELIZABETH: And why do
you say that, Doctor?
352
00:20:30,213 --> 00:20:32,109
TRALNIS: This rope
ladder hasn’t been
353
00:20:32,109 --> 00:20:35,126
here long enough for the
jungle to start affecting it.
354
00:20:35,126 --> 00:20:39,102
(sneezes)
Blast it all! I was hoping
355
00:20:39,102 --> 00:20:41,863
the elixir I took to control
my allergies would
356
00:20:41,863 --> 00:20:43,248
have lasted longer.
357
00:20:43,248 --> 00:20:45,955
[loud sneeze twice]
[snot splat]
358
00:20:45,955 --> 00:20:50,528
ELIZABETH: Let me see that.
Eeew… I don’t want to touch
359
00:20:50,528 --> 00:20:55,129
it; I just want to look at it.
That’s our ladder alright.
360
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:59,209
Son of a sheep buggering
bastard! Where’s my airship?!
361
00:20:59,209 --> 00:21:03,698
TRALNIS: Henry,
take this spyglass,
362
00:21:03,698 --> 00:21:06,586
and climb up to the tree
canopy. See if you can
363
00:21:06,586 --> 00:21:10,403
find any trace of the
Glorious Dawn. I’d do
364
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:14,492
it myself, but we
Dwarves are lousy climbers.
365
00:21:14,492 --> 00:21:16,789
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Heh, heh, you’d look like the
366
00:21:16,789 --> 00:21:21,651
weirdest squirrel ever.
GARETH: He said that’s
367
00:21:21,651 --> 00:21:24,824
probably true, but it
would be funny as
368
00:21:24,824 --> 00:21:28,365
hells to watch you try.
TRALNIS: Hah… hah.
369
00:21:28,365 --> 00:21:31,590
Don’t quit your day job,
which might I remind you
370
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:35,391
happens to be working for me.
(sneeze) Up!
371
00:21:35,391 --> 00:21:40,399
[Henry climbs tree]
372
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:41,808
GARETH: We might
as well have a seat
373
00:21:41,808 --> 00:21:43,480
against this tree
while we wait.
374
00:21:43,480 --> 00821,46,912
TRALNIS: Sounds wonderful.
This heat and humidity is
375
00821,46,912 --> 00:21:50,013
making me sleepy.
(sneeze) Sorry.
376
00:21:50,013 --> 00:21:52,486
[happy sigh]
GARETH: Hey Sneezy,
377
00:21:52,486 --> 00:21:55,966
why so happy? You have a
dopey smile on your face.
378
00:21:55,966 --> 00:21:58,661
TRALNIS: Sometimes,
when I get sleepy, right
379
00:21:58,661 --> 00:22:01,677
before I drift off to
slumberland, my memories
380
00:22:01,677 --> 00:22:04,400
drift back to the time
right after I graduated
381
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:09,182
from medical school. (sneeze
Six other Dwarves from my
382
00:22:09,182 --> 00:22:12,959
village and I got together to
form a communal septet. We
383
00:22:12,959 --> 00:22:16,255
were young, and full of
the experimenting spirit.
384
00:22:16,255 --> 00:22:18,498
(sneeze)
GARETH: You never told me
385
00:22:18,498 --> 00:22:21,547
about that. What happened?
Why did you leave?
386
00:22:21,547 --> 00:22:24,049
Did they kick you out
after you tried to
387
00:22:24,049 --> 00:22:26,871
cook for them?
TRALNIS: No. One of
388
00:22:26,871 --> 00:22:29,421
the other lads brought
home a human female
389
00:22:29,421 --> 00:22:32,115
who had gotten into a
spot of trouble. Turned
390
00:22:32,115 --> 00:22:35,436
out, she ended up being
a wonderful cook, and a
391
00:22:35,436 --> 00:22:39,400
great housekeeper. She
was kind, had a great voice,
392
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:44,363
and did this really neat trick
with her tongue. (sneeze) We
393
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,775
all grew quite fond of her, and
were more than happy to
394
00:22:47,775 --> 00:22:50,642
change our septet to an octet.
ELIZABETH: Tongue
395
00:22:50,642 --> 00:22:54,312
trick, huh? What exactly
are we talking about here?
396
00:22:54,312 --> 00:22:58,193
TRALNIS: A trick is all,
forget I mentioned it.
397
00:22:58,193 --> 00:23:00,332
(sneeze)
ELIZABETH: Hey Doc,
398
00:23:00,332 --> 00:23:04,213
don’t get grumpy on us.
I was just asking.
399
00:23:04,213 --> 00:23:07,149
Never thought you
would be the bashful type.
400
00:23:07,149 --> 00:23:13,282
TRALNIS: (sneeze) I’m sorry,
Captain. Even though most
401
00:23:13,282 --> 00:23:16,057
of my memories of her are
good, what happened at the
402
00:23:16,057 --> 00:23:20,150
end still brings me down. In
the beginning, we took her in
403
00:23:20,150 --> 00:23:23,872
to get her away from a bad
situation. After we managed
404
00:23:23,872 --> 00:23:27,254
to get it all straightened out,
she ended up dumping us for
405
00:23:27,254 --> 00:23:30,078
some rich ponce who
took credit for everything.
406
00:23:30,078 --> 00:23:33,927
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
I saw the Glorious Dawn tied
407
00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:36,769
up next to a mountain a
half day’s hike from here.
408
00:23:36,769 --> 00:23:39,690
GARETH: He says he saw what
he thinks is the Glorious Dawn
409
00:23:39,690 --> 00:23:41,122
anchored next
to a mountain.
410
00:23:41,122 --> 00:23:43,382
It’s about a half day’s
walk from here.
411
00:23:43,382 --> 00:23:45,186
ELIZABETH: What the hells
are they doing over there?
412
00:23:45,186 --> 00:23:47,002
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Probably has something to do
413
00:23:47,002 --> 00:23:49,631
with the other ship
moored next to it.
414
00:23:49,631 --> 00:23:52,593
GARETH: Henry says the answer
probably has something to do
415
00:23:52,593 --> 00:23:55,240
with the other airship
at the mountain
416
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,070
next to the Glorious Dawn.
[gun cocked]
417
00:23:58,070 --> 00:23:59,956
ELIZABETH: Don’t
move, Professor!
418
00:23:59,956 --> 00:24:02,968
GARETH: Look,Captain,
I know we’ve had our
419
00:24:02,968 --> 00:24:05,762
differences, but I think
we can talk things through.
420
00:24:05,762 --> 00:24:09,387
TRALNIS: Don’t miss, lass.
GARETH: What?!
421
00:24:09,387 --> 00:24:16,210
[gunshot, birds flying away]
GARETH: I’m still alive?
422
00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:20,363
TRALNIS: Good shot, Captain.
ELIZABETH: I never miss.
423
00:24:20,363 --> 00:24:22,596
GARETH: What the
hells is going on?
424
00:24:22,596 --> 00:24:24,166
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
Look behind you.
425
00:24:24,166 --> 00:24:25,680
GARETH: Behind me?
[shrieks in terror]
426
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:29,228
GARETH: I’ve seen dogs
smaller than that spider!
427
00:24:29,228 --> 00:24:31,813
TRALNIS: Sorry we didn’t
say anything before, Gareth,
428
00:24:31,813 --> 00:24:35,628
but Henry and I know how
you feel about spiders. I’m
429
00:24:35,628 --> 00:24:39,222
certain that if I told you that
you had a giant, extremely
430
00:24:39,222 --> 00:24:41,949
poisonous spider on your
shoulder, you would have
431
00:24:41,949 --> 00:24:43,779
screamed and run
around in circles
432
00:24:43,779 --> 00:24:46,653
doing your version of
the icky spider dance.
433
00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:50,230
GARETH: I get why you and
Henry didn’t say anything,
434
00:24:50,230 --> 00:24:53,435
but why didn’t
Elizabeth? I’ve never
435
00:24:53,435 --> 00:24:56,628
told anyone on the ship
I’m terrified of spiders.
436
00:24:56,628 --> 00:24:58,860
ELIZABETH: I just wanted
to see your expression as
437
00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:01,555
I pointed a gun at you.
It’s good to know you
438
00:25:01,555 --> 00:25:04,573
have a healthy fear of me.
Let’s keep it that way.
439
00:25:04,573 --> 00:25:10,507
[scene change music]
440
00:25:10,507 --> 00:25:13,415
GARETH: Looks like
this ledge will put us
441
00:25:13,415 --> 00:25:16,062
about 10 feet from the
side of the Glorious Dawn.
442
00:25:16,062 --> 00:25:17,826
ELIZABETH: From what
I can see, the other airship
443
00:25:17,826 --> 00:25:20,381
is a dirigible with three
cannons, and four large
444
00:25:20,381 --> 00:25:22,489
cranes with nets
mounted to the sides.
445
00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:24,578
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
(snarl) Only one group uses
446
00:25:24,578 --> 00:25:27,607
nets like that in Chimia.
GARETH: I think you’re
447
00:25:27,607 --> 00:25:30,384
probably right,
Henry - slavers.
448
00:25:30,384 --> 00:25:33,823
ELIZABETH: Let me see
the spyglass. I can see
449
00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:36,759
four pirates on deck of the
Glorious Dawn. Each of them
450
00:25:36,759 --> 00:25:39,954
looks to be armed with a
sword of some kind. If
451
00:25:39,954 --> 00:25:42,314
there are four on deck,
it’s a safe bet there are
452
00:25:42,314 --> 00:25:45,948
just as many below deck.
I can also see a red skinned
453
00:25:45,948 --> 00:25:49,187
man, who I assume is
Pilot, tied up next to the
454
00:25:49,187 --> 00:25:52,351
wheelhouse with a burlap
sack covering his head.
455
00:25:52,351 --> 00:25:55,512
TRALNIS: What are we
waiting for? Let’s get to it.
456
00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:57,332
ELIZABETH: There’s a pretty
good gap between the Glorious
457
00:25:57,332 --> 00:26:00,478
Dawn and the ledge. We’re
going to have to jump for it.
458
00:26:00,478 --> 00:26:04,664
TRALNIS: So, there’s a
gap. What are you implying?
459
00:26:04,664 --> 00:26:08,159
White Dwarves can’t jump?
ELIZABETH: All I’m saying is
460
00:26:08,159 --> 00:26:10,390
that it’s going to be quite a
jump for the Professor and
461
00:26:10,390 --> 00:26:13,445
me. As to whether or not a
Dwarf could make that jump -
462
00:26:13,445 --> 00:26:17,085
let’s just say that I've never
seen a Dwarvish hoopball
463
00:26:17,085 --> 00:26:19,909
player. I suppose if we
have to, Henry could
464
00:26:19,909 --> 00:26:22,221
always toss you
onto the ship.
465
00:26:22,221 --> 00:26:25,830
TRALNIS: Damn it Captain,
I’m a doctor, not a projectile!
466
00:26:25,830 --> 00:26:27,883
NARRATOR: Far below
them on the deck of the
467
00:26:27,883 --> 00:26:30,708
zeppelin, a cannonball
at the base of a brass
468
00:26:30,708 --> 00:26:33,629
monkey came loose
causing the entire
469
00:26:33,629 --> 00:26:36,726
pyramid of steel balls to
come crashing down.
470
00:26:36,726 --> 00:26:41,917
[cannon ball bounce,
multiple balls rolling]
471
00:26:41,917 --> 00:26:44,772
NARRATOR: A drunken pirate
wearing a red tunic had the
472
00:26:44,772 --> 00:26:48,306
poor luck to choose that very
moment to take a stroll under
473
00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:51,725
the moonlight. He stepped on
the lead cannonball, pivoted
474
00:26:51,725 --> 00:27:01,785
180 degrees, and fell backward
onto the metal migration. When
475
00:27:01,785 --> 00:27:04,026
they reached the railing at
the back of the ship, the
476
00:27:04,026 --> 00:27:11,554
momentum from the journey
tossed the pirate over the edge.
477
00:27:11,554 --> 00:27:15,655
TRALNIS: There’s that strange
feeling in my Bones again. No
478
00:27:15,655 --> 00:27:18,925
matter, let’s do this.
SLAVER : So, what are you
479
00:27:18,925 --> 00:27:22,392
planning on doing with your
share of the money? What the…?
480
00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:24,143
[Henry grunt, lands on Slaver ]
TRALNIS: Now, now,
481
00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:28,264
don’t be getting up.
Doctor’s orders.
482
00:27:28,264 --> 00:27:30,338
[Gareth and Elizabeth
grunt as they land]
483
00:27:30,338 --> 00:27:32,250
[Henry grunts again,
wet splat]
484
00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:36,354
SLAVER 2: Shit!
ELIZABETH: Yes, I do believe
485
00:27:36,354 --> 00:27:39,735
it is. You’re lucky, I was
going to punch you in the
486
00:27:39,735 --> 00:27:42,689
face, but I won’t now.
I don’t want to get Chim
487
00:27:42,689 --> 00:27:44,917
poo on my hand.
[kneed in groin noise]
488
00:27:44,917 --> 00:27:50,051
SLAVER 2: You call this lucky?
[moaning]
489
00:27:50,051 --> 00:27:56,239
[clock winding, hit]
ELIZABETH: Okay, maybe not.
490
00:27:56,239 --> 00:28:01,841
GARETH: That’s new.
The rod’s never turned
491
00:28:01,841 --> 00:28:03,818
into a six foot
long staff before.
492
00:28:03,818 --> 00:28:17,580
[Henry and
slaver fight]
493
00:28:17,580 --> 00:28:20,952
GARETH: It’s okay, you can
stop now, Henry. He’s out
494
00:28:20,952 --> 00:28:24,016
cold, and you're making a
mess on the deck with his
495
00:28:24,016 --> 00:28:28,408
blood. We should head below
deck right away to find the
496
00:28:28,408 --> 00:28:32,406
others. We can leave Pilot here
since he isn't in danger right now
497
00:28:32,406 --> 00:28:34,827
ELIZABETH: You’re right,
for once, Professor. You
498
00:28:34,827 --> 00:28:36,286
and Tralnis check the
engine room and
499
00:28:36,286 --> 00:28:38,447
cargo hold. Henry and
I will get the galley
500
00:28:38,447 --> 00:28:41,490
and the crew quarters.
[footsteps]
501
00:28:41,490 --> 00:28:44,710
GARETH: (thinking) No sign
of Izzy. Just some slaver
502
00:28:44,710 --> 00:28:47,844
pinning up nude pictures
all over her engine room.
503
00:28:47,844 --> 00:28:50,302
SLAVER 3: Huh?
[swish, crack, thump]
504
00:28:50,302 --> 00:28:51,925
GARETH: Hopefully one of
the others found something.
505
00:28:51,925 --> 00:28:54,189
I’ll check on Tralnis
in the cargo hold first.
506
00:28:54,189 --> 00:28:55,597
[running, loud snores]
GARETH: (thinking) Sheldon is
507
00:28:55,597 --> 00:28:57,829
still asleep in the bunk
where they hibernate.
508
00:28:57,829 --> 00:29:01,006
Tralnis’ sleeping potion
must really be working,
509
00:29:01,006 --> 00:29:03,703
they didn’t even wake up
when the ship was boarded.
510
00:29:03,703 --> 00:29:06,496
Speaking of
Tralnis, where is he?
511
00:29:06,496 --> 00:29:11,298
TRALNIS: Watch where
you’re putting that hand,
512
00:29:11,298 --> 00:29:13,516
bucko, unless you’re
willing to buy me
513
00:29:13,516 --> 00:29:15,279
breakfast afterwards!
514
00:29:15,279 --> 00:29:17:028
GARETH: Look out,
Tralnis! You’re about
515
00:29:17:028 --> 00:29:20,637
to roll into Sheldon’s bunk!
[slap, snores stop, chomp]
516
00:29:20,637 --> 00:29:25,015
SLAVER 4: [scream]
My hand! It bit off my hand!
517
00:29:25,015 --> 00:29:28,191
TRALNIS: I told you to watch
where you put your hand.
518
00:29:28,191 --> 00:29:30,743
SHELDON LEFT EYE:
Eeeew! Spit it out!
519
00:29:30,743 --> 00:29:34,545
Spit... it... out! You don’t
know where that hand’s been!
520
00:29:34,545 --> 00:29:37,514
GARETH: Sheldon the ship’s
been taken over by slavers!
521
00:29:37,514 --> 00:29:39,606
[monstoer growl,
Slaver screaming]
522
00:29:39,606 --> 00:29:41,629
[bones snapping,
screaming stops]
523
00:29:41,629 --> 00:29:43,846
NARRATOR: Meanwhile
in the galley…
524
00:29:43,846 --> 00:29:45,709
ELIZABETH: It’s quite
impressive to see how
525
00:29:45,709 --> 00:29:48,047
well you can tie up these
slavers with just some cooking
526
00:29:48,047 --> 00:29:51,530
twine. I also think the pig
nuts in their mouths to keep
527
00:29:51,530 --> 00:29:54,496
them quiet is a nice touch.
Finish up here, and catch
528
00:29:54,496 --> 00:29:57,033
up with me in my cabin. It’s
the only one of the crew
529
00:29:57,033 --> 00:29:58,653
quarters we haven’t
searched yet.
530
00:29:58,653 --> 00:30:03,302
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR:
I’m probably going to be the
531
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,094
first guy in there
since the last captain.
532
00:30:06,094 --> 00:30:13,944
Nope, he beat me to it.
ELIZABETH: (thinking) I can’t believe
533
00:30:13,944 --> 00:30:17,842
that slaver a is dressed in my
favorite corset, and brushing
534
00:30:17,842 --> 00:30:22,424
his filthy hair with
my hairbrush!
535
00:30:22,424 --> 00:30:27,682
SLAVER 5: (singing) I am
pretty, oh so pretty, and witty,
536
00:30:27,682 --> 00:30:32,989
and....something else
that ends in ‘itty’
537
00:30:32,989 --> 00:30:34,628
ELIZABETH: How
about ‘shitty’?
538
00:30:34,628 --> 00:30:36,963
SLAVER 5: Nah, that
doesn’t fit the theme of
539
00:30:36,963 --> 00:30:41,583
the song at all.
Oh bugger.
540
00:30:41,583 --> 00:30:45,501
ELIZABETH: You present quite
the problem. Normally I would
541
00:30:45,501 --> 00:30:48,469,
either shoot, or stab, anyone
going through my stuff without
542
00:30:48,469 --> 00:30:51,632
permission. If I run you through
with my sword, I’ll ruin my
543
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:54,857
favorite corset. Same thing
with shooting you.
544
00:30:54,857 --> 00:30:57,383
[flying object, thump]
545
00:30:57,383 --> 00:30:59,558
ELIZABETH: Nice throw
with that potato, Henry.
546
00:30:59,558 --> 00:31:02,369
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Comes
from years of flinging poo.
547
00:31:02,369 --> 00:31:04,843
ELIZABETH: Now help me get
him out of my clothes.
548
00:31:04,843 --> 00:31:17,628
TRALNIS: You know, as an
omni-sexual Dwarf, I thought
549
00:31:17,628 --> 00:31:20,964
I had seen just about every
kinky thing under the twin
550
00:31:20,964 --> 00:31:26,006
moons. Turns out I was wrong.
I can now add seeing a Chim,
551
00:31:26,006 --> 00:31:28,860
and a woman with a
mechanical arm stripping
552
00:31:28,860 --> 00:31:31,863
a slaver out of women’s
lingerie to the list.
553
00:31:31,863 --> 00:31:33,890
GARETH and ELIZABETH:
Did you find Izzy?
554
00:31:33,890 --> 00:31:37,454
GARETH: No, she wasn’t in
the engine room or cargo hold.
555
00:31:37,454 --> 00:31:41,946
No sign of Teesh either.
[steam whistle x3]
556
00:31:41,946 --> 00:31:45,267
ELIZABETH: That has to be
the slavers’ airship. Come on,
557
00:31:45,267 --> 00:31:47,599
we need to see what is
going on and untie Pilot.
558
00:31:47,599 --> 00:31:49,303
TRALNIS: I’ll
check on Pilot.
559
00:31:49,303 --> 00:31:57,623
SCALED ONE: Throw your weapons
overboard and prepare to be boarded,
560
00:31:57,623 --> 00:32:03,785
or else I toss your pretty
engineer over the side.
561
00:32:03,785 --> 00:32:07,266
TRALNIS: There you
go, lad. Are you alright?
562
00:32:07,266 --> 00:32:10,176
PILOT: I am uncertain, short
Doctor. Perhaps you can help
563
00:32:10,176 --> 00:32:12,823
me determine if I am
hallucinating or not. Is
564
00:32:12,823 --> 00:32:14,893
purple magic crawling all
over the angry looking
565
00:32:14,893 --> 00:32:16,806
professor’s black staff?
[magic crackling]
566
00:32:16,806 --> 00:32:20,216
TRALNIS: What? Well, I’ll be
damned to non-alcoholic
567
00:32:20,216 --> 00:32:24,817
beverages, it sure looks like
that’s what’s happening. Wait!
568
00:32:24,817 --> 00:32:29,338
Gareth, what are you doing?
Get down from the railing,
569
00:32:29,338 --> 00:32:32,706
you’ll never survive a fall to
the deck of the slaver airship
570
00:32:32,706 --> 00:32:42,689
from this far above it.
Gareth, no! Don’t! GARETH!!!
571
00:32:42,689 --> 00:32:48,625
[outro music]
572
00:32:48,625 --> 00:32:51,977
This has been
Gareth and the Lost Island
573
00:32:51,977 --> 00:32:56,100
Episode 7
Starring
574
00:32:56,100 --> 00:33:00,800
Peter McGiffen as the
Narrator and Henry’s translator
575
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:04,344
Allen Pettey as
Tralnis Granitestaff
576
00:33:04,344 --> 00:33:07,841
Patrick Mallard as
Gareth Mintel
577
00:33:07,841 --> 00:33:11,161
Debra Mallard as
Izzy Morgana
578
00:33:11,161 --> 00:33:14,369
Lauren Kong as
Elizabeth Morgana
579
00:33:14,369 --> 00:33:18,318
Daniel Fore as
Sheldon’s Left Eyestalk
580
00:33:18,318 --> 00:33:22,106
Kayce Swan as
Pilot
581
00:33:22,106 --> 00:33:26,883
and Laurence Sterling Knott
as the Slaver Captain
582
00:33:26,883 --> 00:33:28,157
Featuring:
583
00:33:28,157 --> 00:33:33,782
O J V A, Peter McGiffen,
and Patrick Mallard as Slavers
584
00:33:33,782 --> 00:33:36,734
No giant spiders were harmed
during the recording of the
585
00:33:36,734 --> 00:33:39,895
show, mainly because they
scare us silly, and it’s hard
586
00:33:39,895 --> 00:33:43,855
to get any work done while
doing the icky spider dance.
587
00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:46,074
Gareth and the Lost Island
588
00:33:46,074 --> 00:33:51,990
was written and directed
by Patrick Mallard.
Version: 20241125